Coke Talk of the Day
I fell back into close orbit with my ongoing romantic complication after five months of genuine friendship. More specifically, I fell back into his bed. One night, the planets aligned, and we went out together, and we ended up having warm, comfortable sex, and then we slept together. We woke up to another round of fuzzy morning sex, and then went out for breakfast. It was a perfect night, and even though at that point I was no longer vulnerable, I could appreciate how special it was.
Then I left town for a week, and while I was gone, he met some random girl on Bumble and saw her for four straight days in a row, and when I got back she was the first thing he told me about. He was crushing so hard, and it absolutely destroyed me. I thought that I was no longer vulnerable, but the juxtaposition of our night together combined with this freak accident where he suddenly catches feelings for some random girl. It devastated me. I want those feelings. Those were supposed to be my feelings. Bitch came along and snatched what should have been his crush on me.
It all came to a head the other night, and it hurt. A lot. I was suddenly thrown back into this fragile, vulnerable place I was in earlier this year and I fucking hate it. I bawled my eyes out yesterday like I haven’t in many, many years. I’m still emotionally numb from this whole situation.
He’s so amazing, and I thought I was over him — no, I was over him — but then we fell back in bed together and he immediately fell for someone else. I mean, for fuck’s sake. How am I supposed to deal with that? I’m tough, but I’m not made of fucking stone, you know?
Here’s the most fucked up thing. I’ve never wanted to marry someone before. Not really. For some reason, though, I would say yes if he asked. Like, really for real, and it fucks with me, because we love each other. We really do. We say it to each other. We actually say, “I love you,” and it’s deep and it’s real. Hell, he was the one who said it first, but for some reason he’s still chasing that crushed-out lovestoned feeling of limerence, and no matter how important I am to him, he’s never felt that way for me.
And still, I know this isn’t the end for us. This new crush of his will last the usual 4 to 6 weeks, and I’ll enjoy watching it crash and burn, but goddammit, there’s also a slim fucking chance that he ends up going the distance with her. It will kill me every day, and now I have to fall out of love all over again.
The good news is that every time I come into his orbit it gets a little easier to escape, but as quickly as I’ll recover this time around, it really fucking hurts. I’ve already started the all-too familiar process of emotional detachment. I’ll punish myself with diet and exercise. I’ll go on as many dates as possible to keep myself distracted. Every once in a while, I might even meet someone who’s worth my time, but the worst part of dating is the constant reminder that nobody else has ever come close.
Soon, this vulnerability will pass, and I’ll be even stronger for it. Maybe I’ll get to go a full year before this shit happens again. In the meantime, though, I am long overdue for someone I love (or could potentially love) to fall hard in love with me.