For those of you who give a shit, Los Angeles just elected a new mayor.

The tiny fraction of Angelinos who bothered to show up to the polls yesterday got to choose between Eric Garcetti and Wendy Greuel, two bureaucratically entrenched mid-level municipal politicians, both of whom were competent, but neither of whom were particularly galvanizing. The best thing you could say about either of them is that they weren’t Antonio Villaraigosa.

Garcetti won. I knew he would. I knew it all along for one simple reason. His last name sounds mayoral, and Wendy’s last name does not.

I’m totally serious about this. If Wendy’s last name had been Garcetti, and Eric’s last name had been Greuel, the results of the LA mayoral election would have gone the other way.

If you don’t believe me, ask our departing mayor why he changed his name from “Tony Villar” to “Antonio Villaraigosa” before getting into local politics. That’s the kind of stupid shit that makes a difference in Los Angeles.

No one else will say it, but the brutal truth is that Wendy was fucked from day one because she has a shitty sounding last name. Mayor Greuel just doesn’t have a ring to it, and Mayor Garcetti sounds slick.

That’s really all that matters in this town.