You want to invite her to your threesome and toss her salad? Actually, yes… Hallmark does have a card for that!
Jim Henson should make my pussy into a muppet. My pussy would be called The Rainbow Connection, and she would have a little tampon sidekick named Rag who’d be just like Beeker.
My pussy would be part of the original cast of the Muppet Show and would not live on Sesame Street, because that would be weird.
My pussy would have an on again/off again relationship with Animal, because my pussy likes drummers, and you know that crazy little bastard gives gives good felt.
Kermit would confess that my pussy is the reason he learned to play the banjo.
I am so fucked up right now.
I always shake my head when I hear strippers talking shit about porn stars. Come on, girls… whether you’re on the pole or on DVD, a sex worker is a sex worker. Just because none of the cock you suck is in front of a camera, it doesn’t mean you’re somehow morally superior.
Can’t we get a little sisterhood?
This isn’t decadent. This is stupid.
Never dump your whole stash on the mirror all at once. That’s how a coke-whore feeding frenzy becomes a trip to the emergency room before the pool closes.
And what’s with all the costume jewelry and that cell phone? Did somebody rob Vanilla Ice? Seriously, check the voicemail on that cracker-jack prize, I’ll bet there’s a threatening message from Suge Knight.
And what have I told you bitches about setting your drinks near the blow? Actually, get that fur out of there too. I once watched a porn star spill an eight ball all over her chihuahua. You haven’t partied until you’ve watched a gaggle of sex workers lick cocaine out of dog fur.
I have mixed feelings when my old-school party girls suddenly cash in their whore wings and become breeders. Sure, I’m happy for them, but shit can get awkward on Sunday afternoons by the hotel pool.
I’m nursing a hangover with a bloody mary and a half-pack of parliaments, and this perky bitch rolls up with a stroller and a mimosa like she’s ready to get her brunch on.
First of all, anyone who’s lived in this town longer than a hot minute knows there are certain pools where you just don’t bring your fucking kids on a Sunday afternoon (The Roosy, The Mondrian, or — god forbid — The Downtown Standard.) It’s roughly the equivalent of ordering bottle service at a club and then requesting a hi-chair.
I know you’re one of the cool moms, but we used to talk endless shit about the trophy wives who’d show up to the pool with champagne and splash-happy toddlers. So now you squirt out a gremlin and suddenly the rules don’t apply? As an old pro, you should’ve damn well known better.
Second of all — and I mean this with all love and respect — no, I do not want to hold your little bundle of joy. Why? Because it’s bald, screaming, and strapped to a sack of its own shit, and I’m still drunk from the night before.
Besides, you know I don’t do baby talk. What am I supposed to say to the little squirmer? “Your mommy and I used to take turns blowing coke up each other’s buttholes through a straw, and I bet your Daddy doesn’t know about the night I helped her fuck three guys at the same time.”
Sorry, not interested. Plus, if you knew where my hands had been you’d make me boil them before touching your offspring.
It’s not like I don’t want to hang out, but you don’t see me doing lines in the bathroom at Chuck E. Cheese, do you?
I don’t know, isn’t there a country club you can join or something?
I should teach a UCLA Extension course called Intellectual Property and Copyright Law in an Era of Camera Phones and Promiscuity.
No joke. Too many whores out there don’t know their rights.
Hey, kids! Did you know cocaine is water soluble? Of course! That’s why everyone freaks out when a rookie coke whore sets her drink too close to the nose candy.
Well, did you also know that getting your blow wet isn’t always a bad thing? With only a few everyday household items, you can whip up your very own batch of cocaine aqueous solution for intranasal insufflation.
That’s right, it’s YaySpray®…! Your favorite hard drug in an easy to use nasal spray.
All you need is an empty nasal spray bottle (4 Way or Afrin bottles work best), a couple tablespoons of bottled water, a few drops of vodka, and a gram or so of your stash.
In a shallow cup or bowl, add about a tablespoon of water for each gram of blow you plan to use. Add the powder, and stir to dissolve (…yes, girls, just like Crystal Light.)
If your stuff is high-end, the mixture will be a bit cloudy and everything will dissolve. If your stuff is stepped on, you’ll notice the cuts will settle to the bottom… (yes, you get the added benefit of purer drugs!)
Add just few drops of vodka to stabilize and preserve the solution, but not too much or that shit’ll burn!
Suck the liquid up into the nasal spray bottle, and voilà! You’ve just whipped up a homemade batch of YaySpray®…!
Treat it just like regular nasal spray, and just like regular blow!
It’s easier on your nose, doesn’t leave any crumbs, and there’s no paraphernalia that might get you busted. It goes completely unnoticed in your purse, and you don’t have to find the nearest bathroom stall every time you want some candy!