1969 Hillary Rodham throwing off some serious Tavi Gevinson/Rookie Yearbook vibes.
Maybe it’s just my western cultural bias talking, but I think the universal unit of measure for the net worth of self-made women should be called the Oprah.
Oprah’s net worth is valued at a constant 1 Oprah, and everyone else’s net worth fluctuates as a fraction thereof.
For instance, Zhang Yin’s net worth is 2.4 Oprahs, Doris Fisher’s net worth is 1.1 Oprahs, and J.K. Rowlings net worth is .43 Oprahs, or if she prefers, 43 centi-Oprahs.
I’m happy to report that my own personal fortune is somewhere in the neighborhood of 37 nano-Oprahs.
Coke Talk Industries Fantasy Board of Directors
To my right, Debbie Harry.
To my left, Dolly Parton.
All the way down the line as follows:
Barbara Walters to keep the room in order,
Martha Stewart to keep things tasteful,
Anna Wintour to keep things classy,
Tina Fey to keep things funny,
Oprah because Obama has better things to do,
Bill Clinton because Hillary has better things to do,
Ruth Bader Ginsburg for her wise counsel,
Bill Mahar for his wise-ass counsel,
Melinda Gates for when I want to start a foundation,
George Clooney for when I want to plan a heist,
Amy Pascal for when I want to green light a movie,
Lauren Zalaznick to keep the reality show respectable,
Marissa Mayer to do all the computer shit,
Kelly Cutrone to wrangle my interns,
Christopher Hitchens to deal with the haters,
and finally, Beyonce for when we want to put a ring on it.
Oh, and see my pink fucking boardroom? That’s right, bitches. Those are ashtrays, and you can bet your sweet ass there’s a wet bar immediately out of frame.
Fuck being a Bond Girl. I want to be a James Bond villain.
I desperately want Tabatha Coffey to do my hair, and by do my hair, I mean go down on me in her salon while I’m being shampooed.
Yeah, I don’t fuck around with my lesbian fantasies. I want that bitch to do a complete takeover of my pussy. I want her to get in there, talk shit about the curtains, rip everything to shreds, and leave it gleaming.
That woman should come out with a line of curling irons that have been converted to vibrators. Just sayin’.