Debate Tweets

preposition

 

I got into a twitter spat with a Republican egg during the GOP debate, and I vowed to follow every person who got the joke about the preposition. (Those are my people.)

 

Here, LAPD. I fixed your shitty press release.

BEFORE:

Los Angeles
Police Department
News Release
Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Officer-Involved Shooting in Newton Area NR14309lp

Los Angeles:  On Monday, August 11, 2014, around 8:20 pm, Newton Patrol Division officers conducted an investigative stop in the 200 block of West 65th Street.

During the stop a struggle ensued, which resulted in an officer-involved-shooting. It is unknown if the suspect has any gang affiliations.

The suspect was transported to a local hospital and after lifesaving efforts he succumbed to his injuries.

No officers were injured.

Force Investigation Division responded to the incident and will conduct a thorough investigation of the officer-involved-shooting.

The investigation will ultimately be reviewed by the Chief of Police, the Office of the Inspector General and Board of Police Commissioners for compliance with the Departments use-of-force policy, which states that an officer’s use-of-force actions must be objectively reasonable.

Additionally, the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Justice System Integrity Division will conduct a comprehensive review of the facts of the officer-involved-shooting.

Anyone with information is asked to call Force Investigation Division at (213) 486-5230.  During non-business hours or on weekends, calls should be directed to 1-877-LAPD-24-7 (877-527-3247).  Anyone wishing to remain anonymous should call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS (800-222-8477).  Tipsters may also contact Crime Stoppers by texting to phone number 274637 (C-R-I-M-E-S on most keypads) with a cell phone.  All text messages should begin with the letters “LAPD.”  Tipsters may also go to LAPDOnline.org, click on “webtips” and follow the prompts.

 

AFTER:

Los Angeles
Police Department
News Release
Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Officer-Committed Homicide in Newton Area NR14309lp

Los Angeles: On Monday, August 11, 2014, around 8:20pm, Newton Patrol Division officers conducted a Fourth Amendment violating stop in the 200 block of West 65th Street.

During the stop, a black man tried to defend himself from being beaten by police, which resulted in one of the officers panicking, drawing his weapon, and shooting the unarmed, mentally ill man three times in the back while he was laying on the ground. It is unknown if the officer is a racist.

The victim was transported to a local hospital, and after lifesaving efforts, he succumbed to his multiple gunshot wounds.

No officers were ever in any danger.

The Rat Squad responded to the incident, and will conduct a self-serving exercise in public relations as per usual.

The public relations effort will ultimately be reviewed by the Chief of Police, the Office of the Inspector General, and Board of Police Commissioners to make sure the shooting won’t blow back on anyone’s political career, and if public opinion requires it, they might make an example out of the officer by suspending him without pay.

Additionally, the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Justice System Integrity Division will attempt to justify its annual budget by filling out a bunch of forms.

Any rats who’d like to rat are asked to call the Rat Squad at (213) 486-5230.  During non-business hours or on weekends, calls should be directed to 1-877-LAPD-24-7 (877-527-3247).  Rats wishing to remain anonymous should call the Rat Line at 1-800-222-TIPS (800-222-8477).  Rats may also contact the Rat Line by texting to phone number 274637 (C-R-I-M-E-S on most keypads) with a cell phone.  All text messages should begin with the letters “LAPD.”  Rats may also go to LAPDOnline.org, click on “webtips” and follow the prompts.

Mormon Tinder

tinder

 

Holy fucking shit, you guys. I’m currently in Salt Lake City on a layover. Here’s what Tinder looks like in Mormon country.

(There is so much comedic gold lurking in that app. As someone who travels a lot, I love what Tinder reveals to me about mating rituals from region to region. It’s like some grand and ridiculous sociological experiment with the potential to reward me with either good sex or great stories.)

 

Be Less Of A Dick

dawkins

 

Seriously, Richard. You’re an intelligent, educated man of science. It would take so little for you to pull your head out of your ass.

Prejudice against white people can be real, but it’s not racism. Prejudice against men can be real, but it’s not sexism. Racism and sexism include elements of systemic or institutionalized oppression, and the dominant cultural group is, by definition, not oppressed.

The concepts of cultural hegemony and systemic oppression really aren’t all that complicated, but they do require that you acknowledge the existence of both white and male privilege without being sarcastic.

It’s not that big a deal to wrap your head around these ideas, and given your sharp mind, I’m hopeful that one day you’ll have a legitimate epiphany about this stuff and stop acting like such a smug prick.

 

I have made my annual sacrifice to Samsonite, the ancient god of living out of a suitcase. May the dry cleaning bill from this exploded bottle of lotion pacify his wrath and bring good fortune in the coming year.

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