One of my favorite conversations when making new acquaintances over a coke mirror occurs when I discover that my fellow party enthusiast is on some sort of highly ritualized, self-inflicted starvation regimen.
These are usually rail thin model types in from New York who are a delightful combination of dumb and worldly, and I take great pleasure in listening to to them expound on the health benefits of raw veganism.
They ramble on about whatever rare fruit is currently setting antioxidant world records, and then express little pangs of guilt as they hoover up line after line with comments like, “I really shouldn’t be doing this.”
I can’t help but fuck with them a little bit. You should see their eyes light up when I explain to them in all seriousness that this cocaine is 100% organic and that it’s infused with all natural plant extracts from the mountains of Peru that clarify the mind, reduce hunger, and promote an overall sense of well-being.
You’d be surprised how often they say, “Oh my god, I’ve heard about this stuff!”
Unfortunately, I doubt I’ll be able to pull it off ever again.
I just read Molly Young’s latest article where she cleverly describes a rule of thumb about whether to take self-important food-stuffs seriously by asking “What Would Steve Martin Eat?”
Steve Martin is the court jester of my older-man crushes, and I can’t help but smile when I think about him. Inevitably, the next time I utter the phrase “100% organic cocaine,” I will first hear it in my head in Steve Martin’s voice.
There’s no way I’ll be able to keep a straight face.