I just spent a long, decadent weekend in Malibu celebrating the birthdays of four very close friends. I don’t know why I always end up surrounded by Leos, but a suspiciously large cluster of my inner-circle was born in mid-August.
One of the birthday boys made a shit ton of dot-com cash back in the day, so he and his wife have a ridiculous house at the very tip-top of Las Flores Canyon. It’s one of those rare places where you have the holy trinity of naked fun — a heated pool, a spectacular view, and total privacy.
Now, when I say very close friends, I mean very close. There are about a dozen of us, and we all have the kind of relationship that most folks could never understand. If I even tried to explain it to my workaday friends, my tongue would get tangled trying to describe the love and respect we all share, and then I’d have to suffer the indignity of watching their eyes go wide in judgement when I let it slip about the sex.
Yes, we all fuck, and it’s wonderful.
We share endless sweaty, slippery hours of blissed-out orgiastic fun, and then we all sit around the dining room table and have bacon, eggs, and bloody marys. It’s fucking great.
My vanilla friends are constantly asking me why I’m single, and my canned answer is that I’m picky. The whole truth is that I’m not willing to give up the good times I have with these friends, and it’s surprisingly difficult to find a man emotionally intelligent enough to handle it.
You’d think more guys would be self-aware enough to recognize that fresh attraction to the opposite sex is dictated by biological imperative. But no, most guys are in a constant struggle — to cheat or not to cheat — and it never occurs to them that in order to cheat, you have to accept a set of rules before you can break them.
Why accept the rules? It’s so much healthier to simply reject the underlying premise of the assumption.
Monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing.
It’s such a simple statement, but there is so much freedom in it — monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing. Being true and faithful in your relationship has no inherent connection to how many sexual partners you have. The connection is artificial.
What am I suggesting here? Well, it’s not all that prurient. Really, it’s about integrity and strength — the integrity to be totally open and honest in a relationship, and the strength to allow yourself and your partner to pursue happiness wherever it may be found.
Why should I care if my man has some fun, sexual or otherwise, with another girl? Why should he care if I do the same? It would be naive and egotistical of me to think that I could satisfy every emotional and physical need of another person, and yet under the traditional monogamous paradigm, that’s exactly what is expected.
The healthiest relationships I’ve ever known are those based on unwavering mutual respect and the kind of gut-level honesty that most folks can’t handle. Add to that an intelligent, emotionally healthy habit of saying “yes” instead of “no” to your partner whenever possible, and suddenly you find yourself open to all kinds of possibilities.
It’s not for everybody, I suppose — but it’s too late for me. I can’t imagine life any other way.