1. High and Low — EMPIRE OF THE SUN
2. Legend Has It — RUN THE JEWELS
3. Move — SAINT MOTEL
4. Tribe (feat. Jesse Boykins III) — THEOPHILUS LONDON
5. Indica Badu (feat. Wiz Khalifa) — LOGIC
6. Feels So Good — LA FELIX
7. Higher — NAKED AND FAMOUS
8. Dancing on Glass — ST. LUCIA
9. Veridis Quo — DAFT PUNK
10. I Need You — FAUL & WAD & AVALANCHE CITY
11. Jamiroquai Bee Gees Mashup — POMPLAMOOSE
12. Down in Flames — ELLA VOS
13. Ride On/Right On — PHOSPHORESCENT
14. Late to the Flight — LAURA MARLING & LUMP
15. What If This Is All The Love You Ever Get? — SNOW PATROL
16. We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow — SOKO
17. Innerbloom — RÜFÜS DU SOL
For those of you checking in, I’m still here. Things are good right now. I’m surrounded by people that I love, and my life is filled with purpose. The only downside is that I’m excruciatingly busy. I’m sorry that I can’t answer your questions like I used to, but there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. Please know that I still read them regularly, and I promise to reply as often as I can.
I appreciate you stopping by, and I hope you’ll continue to check in from time to time.
1. Breakin’ Point (Miike Snow Remix) — PETER BJORN AND JOHN
2. Cream on Chrome — RATATAT
3. Redbone — CHILDISH GAMBINO
4. Beggin For Thread — BANKS
5. Didn’t I — LOW COUNTRY KINGDOM
6. Light Up — MUTEMATH
7. I Can’t Control Myself — STRANGE NAMES
8. Roses (feat. ROZES) — THE CHAINSMOKERS
9. West Coast — JUNIOR EMPIRE
10. Heartbeat — ZOLA BLOOD
11. Two of Us On the Run — LUCIUS
12. Last Train — SORCHA RICHARDSON
13. Levo (Club Edit) — RECONDITE
14. Pfeifferhorn — OK IKUMI
15. Something for Your M.I.N.D. — SUPERORGANISM
16. Clearest Blue (Gryffin Remix) — CHVRCHES
17. Summer Didn’t Change a Thing — WHITE LIES
18. Up and Up — LENNON & MAISY
19. Break It Down Again — TEARS FOR FEARS
20. Kiss You All Over — EXILE
Back in 2009, Leonard Cohen played at Coachella. He was on my absolutely-do-not-miss list, and of course, most of my crew didn’t understand why.
Still, I insisted. I dragged them all kicking and screaming out of the Sahara tent and over to the outdoor stage. They asked me, “Who is this old man?” and I just smiled knowingly.
By the time he got around to “Hallelujah,” my friends were jaw-dropped. Some were in tears. (I certainly was.) We sang together and swayed together and when it was all over we held each other, grateful for the experience.
That’s how powerful it was seeing Leonard Cohen perform live. I’m still grateful.
It’s been an interesting few days. I’ve been traveling. Business and pleasure, often at the same time. I’m back now, and feeling particularly grateful for all the new people and all the new purpose in my life.
Despite all the gratitude, I couldn’t help but notice a strange new feeling when I finally got home and my head hit the pillow. I was all by myself, and I didn’t want to be. It wasn’t the feeling of loneliness. It was the feeling of not wanting to be alone, and that’s not the way I’m used to feeling when I crawl into bed.
Part of it was because I’d been on the road in the close company of others. Part of it was because almost everyone I know here is coupled up. Part of it was because I knew a certain person wouldn’t be sleeping alone that night. (Yes, they’re still seeing each other. Yes, it looks like it’s going to last. Yes, I’ve come to terms with it.)
Anyway, I didn’t want to be alone last night. That being said, I didn’t want to be with anyone else either. I could’ve found a big spoon, but I wasn’t in a little spoon mood. It wasn’t about having a warm body in my bed. It was about acknowledging this part of me that’s been slowly developing over this past year, the part that wants to start sharing my life with someone special, the part that everyone else around me always seemed to have, the part that made me feel like a little bit of an oddball for not having until now.
I have so many wonderful things going on in my life right now. I’m happy. Happier than I’ve been in years, and maybe that’s why I’m ready for this next thing. It’ll happen. Or it won’t. I know better than to expect it, but I’m also hopeful in a way that I’ve never been before too. We’ll see. In the meantime, I get to enjoy myself. I get to challenge myself. I get to do some actual good in my day-to-day life, and I get to do it surrounded by some of the loveliest human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. Like I said, I’m grateful.
1. Kids — Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein
2. Lost It To Trying — Son Lux
3. Flame (Roosevelt Remix) — Sundara Karma
4. The Less I Know the Better — Tame Impala
5. Take My Pain Away — Moullinex
6. Heart It Races (Dr Dog Version) — Dr. Dog
7. Barbarians — Escort
8. Bloodshake — Peace
9. Fanta Fabuloso — Chucha Santamaria Y Usted
10. Wildfire — SBTRKT
11. Different — The Academic
12. Unbelievers — Vampire Weekend
13. Baker Street — Gerry Rafferty
14. Cocaine — Kiyo Cato
15. She’ll Kill You — Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein
I fell back into close orbit with my ongoing romantic complication after five months of genuine friendship. More specifically, I fell back into his bed. One night, the planets aligned, and we went out together, and we ended up having warm, comfortable sex, and then we slept together. We woke up to another round of fuzzy morning sex, and then went out for breakfast. It was a perfect night, and even though at that point I was no longer vulnerable, I could appreciate how special it was.
Then I left town for a week, and while I was gone, he met some random girl on Bumble and saw her for four straight days in a row, and when I got back she was the first thing he told me about. He was crushing so hard, and it absolutely destroyed me. I thought that I was no longer vulnerable, but the juxtaposition of our night together combined with this freak accident where he suddenly catches feelings for some random girl. It devastated me. I want those feelings. Those were supposed to be my feelings. Bitch came along and snatched what should have been his crush on me.
It all came to a head the other night, and it hurt. A lot. I was suddenly thrown back into this fragile, vulnerable place I was in earlier this year and I fucking hate it. I bawled my eyes out yesterday like I haven’t in many, many years. I’m still emotionally numb from this whole situation.
He’s so amazing, and I thought I was over him — no, I was over him — but then we fell back in bed together and he immediately fell for someone else. I mean, for fuck’s sake. How am I supposed to deal with that? I’m tough, but I’m not made of fucking stone, you know?
The good news is that every time I come into his orbit it gets a little easier to escape, but as quickly as I’ll recover this time around, it really fucking hurts. I’ve already started the all-too familiar process of emotional detachment. I’ll punish myself with diet and exercise. I’ll go on as many dates as possible to keep myself distracted. Every once in a while, I might even meet someone who’s worth my time, but the worst part of dating is the constant reminder that nobody else has ever come close.
Soon, this vulnerability will pass, and I’ll be even stronger for it. Maybe I’ll get to go a full year before this shit happens again. In the meantime, though, I am long overdue for someone I love (or could potentially love) to fall hard in love with me.