1. Kids — Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein
2. Lost It To Trying — Son Lux
3. Flame (Roosevelt Remix) — Sundara Karma
4. The Less I Know the Better — Tame Impala
5. Take My Pain Away — Moullinex
6. Heart It Races (Dr Dog Version) — Dr. Dog
7. Barbarians — Escort
8. Bloodshake — Peace
9. Fanta Fabuloso — Chucha Santamaria Y Usted
10. Wildfire — SBTRKT
11. Different — The Academic
12. Unbelievers — Vampire Weekend
13. Baker Street — Gerry Rafferty
14. Cocaine — Kiyo Cato
15. She’ll Kill You — Kyle Dixon & Michael Stein
I fell back into close orbit with my ongoing romantic complication after five months of genuine friendship. More specifically, I fell back into his bed. One night, the planets aligned, and we went out together, and we ended up having warm, comfortable sex, and then we slept together. We woke up to another round of fuzzy morning sex, and then went out for breakfast. It was a perfect night, and even though at that point I was no longer vulnerable, I could appreciate how special it was.
Then I left town for a week, and while I was gone, he met some random girl on Bumble and saw her for four straight days in a row, and when I got back she was the first thing he told me about. He was crushing so hard, and it absolutely destroyed me. I thought that I was no longer vulnerable, but the juxtaposition of our night together combined with this freak accident where he suddenly catches feelings for some random girl. It devastated me. I want those feelings. Those were supposed to be my feelings. Bitch came along and snatched what should have been his crush on me.
It all came to a head the other night, and it hurt. A lot. I was suddenly thrown back into this fragile, vulnerable place I was in earlier this year and I fucking hate it. I bawled my eyes out yesterday like I haven’t in many, many years. I’m still emotionally numb from this whole situation.
He’s so amazing, and I thought I was over him — no, I was over him — but then we fell back in bed together and he immediately fell for someone else. I mean, for fuck’s sake. How am I supposed to deal with that? I’m tough, but I’m not made of fucking stone, you know?
The good news is that every time I come into his orbit it gets a little easier to escape, but as quickly as I’ll recover this time around, it really fucking hurts. I’ve already started the all-too familiar process of emotional detachment. I’ll punish myself with diet and exercise. I’ll go on as many dates as possible to keep myself distracted. Every once in a while, I might even meet someone who’s worth my time, but the worst part of dating is the constant reminder that nobody else has ever come close.
Soon, this vulnerability will pass, and I’ll be even stronger for it. Maybe I’ll get to go a full year before this shit happens again. In the meantime, though, I am long overdue for someone I love (or could potentially love) to fall hard in love with me.
1. Mess Is Mine — Vance Joy
2. Beautiful Girl (feat. Kyle Pearce) — Junge Junge
3. Meditate (feat. Two Fresh) — Probcause
4. Say My Name (feat. Zyra) [RAC Mix] — ODESZA
5. Closer (The Young Professionals Remix) — Tegan And Sara
6. San Francisco — The Mowgli’s
7. 2 Heads — ColemanHell
8. Feels Like We Only Go Backwards — Tame Impala
9. Pools — Glass Animals
10. Paper Aeroplane — Angus & Julia Stone
11. Ophelia — The Lumineers
12. First — Cold War Kids
13. I Wish I Was Sober — Frightened Rabbit
14. Helena Beat — Foster The People
15. Turn Me Up — Twin Shadow
16. Dangerous (feat. Joywave) — Big Data
17. Karma Police — Radiohead
18. Light of the Seven — Ramin Djawadi
After an extended period of international adventuring in lieu of the typical springtime music festival rituals, life is finally about to return to something roughly approximating normal.
I’m looking forward to sunshine. It will be my first summertime out of Los Angeles in as many years as my average reader has been alive. I’m looking forward to finding a new poolside scene, or whatever the equivalent is in whichever city I decide to find myself.
I have a few lunatics to keep me sane, and for now they’re who I’m calling friends. Well, that’s not fair. They are friends. Good friends, and I love them, but it’s all very ephemeral. That’s okay, though. At least I’m having a good time.
Also, bizarre coincidences are starting to happen. Now that I’ve wandered out into the fray, I’ve met several of you who have written in to me. It’s a very surreal experience to shake someone’s hand who thinks I am a stranger when the truth is that I know their deepest, darkest secrets.
It’s quite beautiful, really. It makes me feel immediately protective. As far as they can tell, I’m just being polite, but if that horrible person they wrote to me about were to suddenly walk into the room, I would eat that bastard alive with a little hot sauce and a side of fries.
There are people in my life now who are devoted fans of my work who have no idea that I’m the person they credit with their relationship choices and career paths. It freaks me out a little bit when I hear them tell me they grew up reading my advice.
Then I think about how long ago 2009 really was. When you click on All The Advice, you can pick from eight different years. Eight. And it’s true, the teenagers who started with me at the beginning are in their mid-twenties now. The twenty-somethings have become thirty-somethings. It well and truly blows my fucking mind.
Not too long ago, I discovered that a therapist who had been recommended to me by a mutual friend was actually a long-time reader who had chosen to become a therapist in part because of my influence. Needless to say, I chose not to set up an appointment. That would have been way too weird for both of us.
Still. I’m open to whatever extraordinary shit comes my way. 2016 has been a profound loop around the sun so far, and the lovely bow at the end of it will be the election of our first female President. I refuse to be cynical about that. I’m genuinely looking forward to it.
1. Let’s Go Crazy — Prince
2. Don’t Hurt Yourself (feat Jack White) — Beyoncé
3. Tearing Me Up — Bob Moses
4. Toes — Glass Animals
5. Genghis Khan — Miike Snow
6. Sparrow Hand — Strangers You Know
7. Hold Back the River — James Bay
8. Lemon Eyes — Meg Myers
9. I Just Might — Ryan Adams
10. Change My Mind — Stone Cold Fox
11. A Song for Our Grandfathers — Future Islands
12. Downtown — Majical Cloudz
13. The Night We Met — Lord Huron
14. Nothing Compares 2 U — Sinead O’Connor
15. Purple Rain — Prince
My ongoing romantic complication continues to be complicated.
This thing of ours has gone on long enough for me to recognize the larger patterns of its push and pull. It’s lunar, almost tidal. There’s an elliptical orbit to it, and we’ve completed another revolution around one another.
I’m back in the heartache phase, but only briefly. It’s not nearly as bad this time. There’s not as much gravity. It’s as if we’re hurtling further away from each other on each go-around, which is a good thing, because I’m finally fucking ready to move on.
We got close there for a minute. It felt really good, but it also never felt right. I mean, shit. There was a reason this thing was never supposed to happen from the beginning, so I don’t know what I was expecting.
We weren’t meant to be together. Almost, but not quite. So yeah, I’ll have this one night of frustrated insomnia where I write a cryptic post and lament the fact that we had another near miss, and tomorrow I’ll wake up and realize that it was actually a disaster averted.
Our relationship will still be ongoing and complicated. Neither of us have a choice about that, but I do have a choice to no longer be emotionally available. Quite simply, it’s time for me to focus my romantic efforts and energy elsewhere.
I’ve done this before, so I know how it works. This next phase will be good for me, because there’s about to be a shift in our power dynamics. I’ll be the one in control again, no longer vulnerable.
Of course, that brings on a whole new set of complications, but I can handle those.
1. Like It or Not — Bob Moses
2. Vermillion — Damian Lazarus & The Ancient Moons
3. Emmanuel (Stwo Remix) — BASECAMP
4. Lost In the Light — Bahamas
5. We Don’t Eat — James Vincent McMorrow
6. Rise Up — Andra Day
7. Back of the Car — Miike Snow
8. Fool — Boo Seeka
9. Already Free — The Derek Trucks Band
10. Changes — Langhorne Slim & The Law
11. Twigs And Stones — Siskiyou
12. Turn It Around — Lucius
13. Pretty Pimpin — Kurt Vile
14. Ragamuffin — Silversun Pickups
15. Sun Don’t Shine (Extended Mix) — Klangkarussell