I woke up this morning naked in bed next to my former crush.
As with everything about our situation, last night was totally unexpected. Still, there was purpose behind it. Nothing about our evening was a mistake. There seems to be this bizarre inevitability that we both finally acknowledged, and yet at the same time, last night changed absolutely nothing.
I’m not crushing anymore, which is good, but at the same time, I’m certainly not without feelings. I dunno. This is mellowing into something altogether new to me, and I’m kind of amazed at how cool I am with not knowing what will happen next.
I’m thinking for now I’ll just have to call this my “ongoing romantic complication.”
It’s not the snappiest label, but hey, at least it should last me for a while.
1. Heroes — David Bowie
2. I Feel the Weight — Miike Snow
3. Water — Ra Ra Riot & Rostam
4. Sister of Pearl — Baio
5. Chasing Shadows — Santigold
6. I Am Chemistry — Yeasayer
7. For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti — Sufjan Stevens
8. Unsteady — X Ambassadors
9. Peace — Paul Kelly
10. They Move On Tracks of Never-Ending Light — This Will Destroy You
11. Ten Thousand Years Won’t Save Your Life — Hammock
12. Tracy (Kid Loco’s Playing With the Young Team Remix) — Mogwai
13. All in Here — Emancipator
14. Shine a Light (Flight Facilities Remix Live) — The C90s
15. Soak It Up — Houses
16. You — Bibio
They Move On Tracks of Never-Ending Light This Will Destroy You
Maybe it’s the cold weather. Maybe it’s my recent move. Maybe it’s just time, but I think I’m in a place where I want to fall in love. Hard. For real. Mutual and deep.
I want to feel a closeness with another person, a perfectly comfortable yet irresistible attraction. I want it to be more than sexual. I want it to be more than spiritual. I want it to be elemental, as if billions of years ago, all of the atoms in our bodies were somehow forged from the exact same star.
I know that’s probably asking for a lot, especially from an ever-expanding, infinitely indifferent universe, but it shouldn’t be too much to hope for. Or maybe it is. Either way, it doesn’t hurt to acknowledge such a simple and profound desire for the only thing that makes the human condition worth anything at all.
1. I Need My Girl — The National
2. Lover — In The Valley Below
3. Circadian Rhythm (Last Dance) — Silversun Pickups
4. Joe (Live) — Alabama Shakes
5. Wildest Dreams (Stripped Down and Live) — Taylor Swift
6. How Hard I Try (feat. James Hersey) — filious
7. REALiTi — Grimes
8. Touch — MOTHXR
9. Dead Sound — The Ravonettes
10. iT — Christine And The Queens
11. Razor Love — Neil Young
12. Night — Bill Callahan
13. Ada Plays — Gabriel Yared
I should be nervous. I should be downright giddy, but I’m not. Instead, I feel deeply contented. It’s the last day of 2015, and I’m filled with a mellow anticipation that is undoubtedly the most pleasant emotion I’ve felt all year.
It may turn out to be nothing, or it may turn out to be everything. Either way, I’m going to enjoy my evening.
Happy New Year, everyone. Tomorrow I will have lots to tell you.
1. Flesh without Blood — Grimes
2. Lime Habit — POLIÇA
3. Nightlight — Silversun Pickups
4. Killer in the Streets — The Raveonettes
5. Campo — Toro Y Moi
6. Pretty Pimpin — Kurt Vile
7. Last of a Kind — Neighbors
8. Easy — MOTHXR
9. Breathe Life — Jack Garratt
10. Twigs And Stones — Siskiyou
11. Can’t Help Falling in Love — Haley Reinhart
12. Waiting (PAL Remix) — Alice Boman
I have a brand new, totally inappropriate, never-gonna-happen crush.
Thing is, I haven’t had a crush on anyone in a really long time, so even though it’s with a person I know I can’t ever be with, I’m trying my best to savor it in a slightly painful, low key, muted kind of way.
It hurts to have to play it so cool, but it’s nice to be reminded that my heart can still flutter.
1. 2000 Miles — Pretenders
2. Weathered — Jack Garratt
3. California — Grimes
4. Genghis Khan — Miike Snow
5. Death — White Lies
6. Tilted — Christine And The Queens
7. Wild Imagination — Kurt Vile
8. Distant Sures — The Cave Singers
9. Je t’aime moi non plus — Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin
10. The Hills (The Weeknd Cover) — ECHOS
11. Devil Inside (INXS Cover) — London Grammar
12. Master of None — Beach House
13. Appalachia Waltz — Yo-Yo Ma, Meyer and O’Connor
14. Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis — Tom Waits