Make America Great Again

trump

 

“Make America Great Again” by Illma Gore
11″X14″ Pastel Pencils, 2016

“Make America Great Again” is about the significance we place on our physical selves. One should not feel emasculated by their penis size or vagina, as it does not define who you are. Your genitals do not define your gender, your power, or your status.

Simply put you can be a massive prick, despite what is in your pants.

 

Debate Tweets

preposition

 

I got into a twitter spat with a Republican egg during the GOP debate, and I vowed to follow every person who got the joke about the preposition. (Those are my people.)

 

The Coquette State-By-State Guide to Tuesday’s Midterm Elections

Midterm elections are a big fucking deal. Here’s a state-by-state breakdown of how I hope everyone votes this Tuesday. (If your state isn’t listed, that means it’s either not a Senate battleground state or it doesn’t have any ballot measures that caught my eye. Still, get the fuck out there and vote!)


ALABAMA

No on 1Prohibition of Foreign Laws — This pandering frivolous bullshit is aimed at Islamophobic bible-bangers who live in fear of Sharia Law. It’s toothless and stupid legislation meant to appease the toothless and stupid.

No on 3“Strict Scrutiny” of Gun Restrictions — This amendment would require the highest level of judicial review for any matter of law that might affect a redneck’s ability to own guns. The right to bear arms would be elevated to a fundamental right and given the highest possible protection in Alabama, you know, unlike a woman’s right to make choices about her reproductive health.

 

ALASKA

Yes on 2Marijuana Decriminalization— Duh.

Yes on 3Minimum Wage Increase  — Double Duh.

 

ARKANSAS

Mark Pryor for Senate — He’s an idiot, but at least he’s not a Republican. (We simply cannot let Republicans win back the majority in the Senate, you guys. This is one of those elections where you gotta get out and vote for the Democrats, even if they’re schmucks. Think big picture.)

Yes on 4Alcoholic Beverage Initiative — So, yeah. Arkansas is just now getting around to a state-wide repeal of prohibition. Better late than never.

Yes on 5Minimum Wage Initiative — The minimum wage in Arkansas is $6.25 an hour. This would raise it to $8.50 by 2017. Arkansas fucking sucks, you guys. Make it suck a little less.

 

CALIFORNIA

Jerry Brown for Governor — I hate that our Governor’s name is Jerry, but I suppose he’ll do for now.

Gavin Newsom for Lieutenant Governor — This pretty boy will be President one day. Get used to voting for him.

Kamala Harris for Attorney General — Kamala is the kind of human being you want enforcing the law. As far as career politicians go, we’re lucky to have her.

No on 1Water Bond — You guys saw Chinatown, right? It’s all about who controls the water. This proposition is just corporate agribusiness squeezing $7.5 billion worth of boondoggle projects and cheap water out of a state that’s already broke.

Whatever on 2Rainy Day Budget Stabilization — This is exactly the kind of slow-moving bullshit that should never be put to popular vote. Budgeting by ballot initiative is one of the primary reasons this state is so fucked.

Yes on 45Public Notice Required for Insurance Company Rates — If you’re lucky enough to have health insurance, this proposition would help protect you against exorbitant rate hikes. This one’s a no-brainer.

Hell No on 46Medical Malpractice Caps and Doctor Drug Testing — This is a sneaky, horribly written piece of legislation that will make lawyers rich at the expense of doctors.

FUCK YES on 47Reduced Penalties for Some Crimes Initiative — This is a wonderful proposition that will make our justice system a little more just. The only people who oppose it are cops. Enough said.

Yes on 48Referendum on Indian Gaming — More casinos? Fine. Whatever.

 

COLORADO

Mark Udall for Senate — Republicans are hate-voting against Obama one last time with these midterms. Incumbents like Mark Udall might lose their jobs, and the Democrats might lose the senate. Not good.

FUCK NO on 67Personhood Initiative — Not only should you vote no on this evil piece of anti-abortion legislation, but you should punch anyone in the face who would vote yes. I’m serious. Punch them right in the fucking face.

 

FLORIDA

Charlie Crist for Governor — It’s not so much that Charlie Crist deserves to win. It’s that Rick Scott really deserves to lose.

YES on 2Medical Marijuana — Next up, medical cocaine!

 

GEORGIA

Michelle Nunn for Senate — Please, please, please vote for Michelle Nunn! Come on, Georgia. You can do this!

Jason Carter for Governor — Okay, yeah. He’s kinda cute.

 

ILLINOIS

Yes on the Minimum Wage Increase Question — This is a nonbinding referendum, so it needs to pass big to become a mandate for state representatives.

 

IOWA

Bruce Braley for Senate — He’s not gonna win. I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that Joni Ernst is a dumb cunt with a shitty haircut.

 

KANSAS

Greg Orman for Senate — Running as an independent, Greg is the closest thing we’ll ever get to a “Not Republican” Senator from Kansas. He’s basically a wealthy capitalist with socially liberal tendencies. Oh well. You take what you can get from a state that just started teaching evolution last year.

Paul Davis for Governor — Paul Davis is a decent man. Sam Brownback is a bible-banging fucknut. That’s really all there is to it.

 

KENTUCKY

Alison Lundergan Grimes for Senate — Everyone go vote for for Alison. Get all your friends to vote for Alison. Make your parents vote for Alison. Come on, Kentucky. You can do it!

 

LOUISIANA

Mary Landrieu for Senate — If enough of you get out and vote, there’s a slim chance that she might win. Come on. Get off your asses and participate in your democracy.

 

NEW HAMPSHIRE

Jeanne Shaheen for Senate — Seriously, is Shaheen loses to that empty suit from another state, you guys are all a bunch of syrup-slurping assholes.

 

NEW YORK

Yes on 1Redistricting Commission Amendment — This proposal would establish a bipartisan commission to prevent gerrymandering. It’s good shit. Every state should have one.

 

NORTH CAROLINA

Kay Hagan for Senate — This one’s gonna be close. I’m just hoping Asheville has good weather on Tuesday and that it rains like hell in Charlotte.

 

NORTH DAKOTA

FUCK NO on 1Life Begins at Conception Amendment — This is another evil anti-abortion measure. Not only should you vote no, but you should make mortal enemies with anyone who votes yes. Face punches, all of them.

 

OREGON

Yes on 91Marijuana Legalization — How is this not already legal in Oregon?

 

TENNESSEE

FUCK NO on 1Abortion Amendment — Ugh. Yet another fucked up ballot measure trying to erode a woman’s right to choose. Vote no, punch everyone in the face who supports it, and then go write some country music.

 

TEXAS

Wendy Davis for Governor — She’s not gonna win. Texas is gonna elect another shit-kicking Obama-suing right-wing asshole, as per usual. But come on, Texas women, the least you could do is get out and vote for someone who has your back.

 

WASHINGTON

No on 591Gun Rights — This initiative would make it easier to buy an AR-15 than it is to open a credit card. America is so fucking stupid sometimes.

Yes on 594Gun Responsibility — This initiative closes background check loopholes for people trying to buy guns online or at gun shows. It’s the antidote to 591.

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Yes on 71Marijuana Legalization — Let’s get high in our nation’s capital!

 

The Purest Essence of America

protest

 

A man in a stars-and-stripes t-shirt picks up burning tear gas canister, hurls it back at the militarized riot cops who just shot it at him, and all the while he never puts down his bag of chips.*

This photograph captures the purest essence of America I’ve ever seen. I hope everyone under siege in St. Louis finds safety tonight, and of course, fuck the police.

* RED HOT RIPLETS #fortherecord

 

Grinning Idiot

idiot

 

Every time I see Rick Perry’s grinning idiot face, I hear the Dukes of Hazzard theme song in my head. I know it sounds silly, but he doesn’t even seem quite human to me. He’s more a cartoonish monster built from the spare parts of characters from that show.

He’s got the dumb-fuck huckleberry charm of Bo and Luke Duke, Cooter’s magnificent lack of sophistication, the bloated power of Boss Hogg, and Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane’s limited understanding of the law. The only Hazzard County character he’s nothing like is Daisy, which is unfortunate, because Daisy Duke is a third-wave feminist icon who could rock the shit out of some cut-off jeans.

Rick is very much the opposite of a feminist icon. Hell, if the contemporary American patriarchy could be condensed down into one thick skulled white dude, you couldn’t ask for a more perfect specimen than Texas Governor Rick Perry. The man makes George W. Bush seem urbane by comparison, and that’s fucking scary when you consider how much executive power he tosses around as a pro-death penalty/anti-abortion evangelical shit-kicker.

Yep, Rick is an obvious villain. A bumbling one, but still very dangerous. He’s a neanderthal with media training, and he’s got just enough political savvy to do some serious damage to the reproductive rights of millions of Texas women.

Ugh. I hate being reminded that he exists, but the ugly truth is that he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. He’s probably gonna run for governor again, and he’s almost definitely gonna run for president.

Come to think of it, maybe he should have a small place in history. If Hillary Clinton is gonna win the presidency in 2016, there’s no one else I’d rather see her destroy on election day than Republican nominee Rick Perry.

Mmm, yeah. That would be fucking awesome.

 

As I finished reading Justice Scalia’s dissent in United States v. Windsor, I suddenly found myself filled with a sad and righteous anger that James Gandolfini had to be the famous Italian guy from New Jersey who just died of a massive heart attack.

A note on LA politics.

For those of you who give a shit, Los Angeles just elected a new mayor.

The tiny fraction of Angelinos who bothered to show up to the polls yesterday got to choose between Eric Garcetti and Wendy Greuel, two bureaucratically entrenched mid-level municipal politicians, both of whom were competent, but neither of whom were particularly galvanizing. The best thing you could say about either of them is that they weren’t Antonio Villaraigosa.

Garcetti won. I knew he would. I knew it all along for one simple reason. His last name sounds mayoral, and Wendy’s last name does not.

I’m totally serious about this. If Wendy’s last name had been Garcetti, and Eric’s last name had been Greuel, the results of the LA mayoral election would have gone the other way.

If you don’t believe me, ask our departing mayor why he changed his name from “Tony Villar” to “Antonio Villaraigosa” before getting into local politics. That’s the kind of stupid shit that makes a difference in Los Angeles.

No one else will say it, but the brutal truth is that Wendy was fucked from day one because she has a shitty sounding last name. Mayor Greuel just doesn’t have a ring to it, and Mayor Garcetti sounds slick.

That’s really all that matters in this town.

 

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