Sassy McJean-Shorts



You know what? Sassy McJean-Shorts is fresh out of the gym rocking a killer smile and looking a helluva lot cuter than that birch pole of a supermodel behind her, so fuck it. She wins all of the style points.


“Jamiroquai is a band, not a dude.”

No, Jamiroquai is a dude. Miike Snow told me that Bon Iver met him once with Lynyrd Skynyrd over at Uncle Tupelo’s house.

(Yes, Jethro Tull was there with Sade.)

(No, Steely Dan wasn’t there. He couldn’t get off work making Led Zeppelins at the Aerosmith plant.)

Tales From Whole Foods

I screamed and spit simultaneously. “Ugh! I can’t believe you just made me swallow. Fuck you, asshole!”

“Ha! I thought you liked it raw,” said the resealable bag of Kool Ranch Organic Kale Chips.

“I feel violated. You’re horrible. I’ll never get the taste of you out of my mouth.” The gluten-free vegan superfood pretended to ignore me, fully expecting that I would eventually take another bite, but there was no way I would ever make that mistake again.

“Whatever, bitch,” sneered the kale. “I’m too good for you anyway.”

“Get the fuck out of my face, you revolting pile of pretentious hipster cabbage!”

“You’ll miss me when I’m gone!”

“No. I will not miss you, kale chips. You’re just another disgusting health snack fad. In a few years, no one will even remember that you existed!”

Silly boy. Your cigars do not impress me. All the small batch whiskey and straight razors in Silver Lake won’t make you more of a man. They are props in a co-opted collection of masculine rituals that you perform with the disconnected precision of a priest who never learned Latin. You are pretending at manhood.

Elle Fanning



Are you kidding me with this adorably quintessential shit? I was gonna give Gwyneth Paltrow until the end of the year to step down and allow Elle Fanning to take her rightful place as the new universal standard of privileged white girl, but it looks like Ms. Fanning may have already stolen the crown. (Yes, the privileged white girl crown is a headband of bedazzled daisies.)

Don’t worry about Gwyneth, though. She had a good long run, and she’ll continue on in an emeritus position until Martha Stewart retires, at which point Gwenyth will become the universal standard of privileged white lady.

See kids? The circle of life even applies to celebrity fairytale lifestyles.


Humorless Cunt



I’m in such an ugly mood that I’ve taken to trolling the comments section of my own goddamn website. This is bad, right? Ugh.


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