Pacific Road Trip



1. In the interest of getting the fuck out of Los Angeles as quickly as possible, I took the 5 up through the Central Valley. It’s an ugly drive, but I made great time. Crashed with friends in Marin. Grilled out. Smoked out. Passed out. I got a lazy start the next day, but finally made it up the 101 through redwoods and rocky beaches to Oregon.


2. Woke up early and went whitewater jet boating through the Rogue River wilderness. The day was wet and majestic. I saw punk-as-fuck bald eagles, a goofball sea lion, a herd of elk, an adorable family of otters, a ridiculous pile of turtles, and most amazingly, a deer and a bear eating berries out of the same briar patch. Fuckin’ nature, man.


3. Digs at the Jupiter Motel. Dinner at Doug Fir. Drinks at Union Jacks, where I got hit on by a dreadlocked lesbian stripper named Pantera who swore it was her real name. (Her mom apparently had a thing for/with Phil Anselmo.) The next morning, I brunched at Pine State Biscuits and briefly attended the Soapbox Derby at Mount Tabor Park as my Portland-flavored ironic hipster experience. I walked into Powell’s and signed a copy of my book, which felt like checking an item off my bucket list. After dinner and drinks at Clyde Common at the Ace Hotel, I felt like I’d done Portland properly.


4. Scored a last-minute room at the Crater Lake Lodge. (That never happens. They made me promise not to tell anyone.) Ate a weed krispie treat and hiked down to the bottom of Crater Lake in my Chanel sandals (definitely not the recommended footwear.) Fully clothed and high as fuck, I jumped off the cliff rock into the freezing cold lake. It was baptismal. The jump was terrifying, the water was delicious, and the plunge was the most refreshing thing I’ve ever felt in my life. I got to watch the sunset over the rim during the hike back up, and there was a roaring fire waiting for me back at the lodge where I feasted on bison and a bottle of pinot noir.


5. The lake was too beautiful. I needed a buffer of ugliness and shit before heading back to Los Angeles, so I decided to poison myself by driving to Reno. It worked. I tried to get in the mood to play a little blackjack, but all I could do was smoke a few cigarettes and watch morbidly obese gamblers feed bills into the Dolly Parton themed slot machines. I nearly choked on the metaphor.


6. The drive through the Sierras was gorgeous. I wasn’t quite ready to go home yet, so I pulled off at Mammoth, rented a little motor boat for twenty bucks, and got caught in the rain out in the middle of Lake Mary. It felt like the perfect way to end my trip. The rest of the drive was one long exhale as the mountain range receded into urban sprawl.


Fuck Yeah



How awesome is this? The couple I helped write custom wedding vows sent a picture of themselves wearing my fuck yeah rings at their ceremony!

They said reciting their vows was “an amazingly beautiful moment that we will remember for the rest of our lives,” and “we were so overcome with emotion we could barely get the words out.”

Fuck yeah, indeed!


Custom Coke Talk Wedding Vows

The other day, a couple wrote in to Dear Coke Talk asking me to assist them in writing their wedding vows.

That shit was too charming to pass up, so we traded a few emails, and they turned out to be cool as fuck, squishy in love, and completely serious about having a lunatic stranger from the internet make up the magic words that would turn them into husband and wife. Good times.

I had them fill out a fairly extensive questionnaire, and before you know it, I’d mixed them up some casual, heartfelt, and highly personalized wedding vows.

Here they are. Enjoy!

Wedding Vows

for Jacob and Emma


Emma. Sweet Cherry Cone Meerkat. I am in awe of you. I am in awe of us. Our marriage is going to be awesome.

You are brilliant and beautiful, my perfect partner, my best fucking friend. I can’t wait to start spending the rest of our lives together. Being super creative. Challenging each other. Staying hip. Being good people. Being awesome.

You are my number one girl for life. Let’s go show these people how it’s supposed to be.

Jacob. Wonderful Ice Cream Grasshopper. My love for you is not devotion, but I am devoted to you. My love for you is not adoration, but I adore you. My love for you is not passion, but I am passionate about you. My love for you is simply love. All encompassing. Unconditional. Love.

Your hand fits perfectly in mine. So today, take my hand, and let’s go build a wonderful life together.




“I was so psyched when I opened my package from you today and saw the Cunt ring… I just broke up with my fiancée last weekend so this is the perfect replacement for my engagement ring.”

I just got this thank you letter, and it totally made my day. The perfect replacement for her engagement ring? This bitch is fucking hilarious.




“Thought I’d send you this picture I snapped yesterday before my college graduation. I proudly rocked my CT bracelet — and some flair to the traditional cap and gown— while walking across the stage to snag my diploma.

Thinking about it now, it’s quite fitting I chose yesterday to wear my CT bracelet because consciously or not, I’ve lived the last four years doing what I assume you’d do. I’ve made some bad choices, some good choices and some REALLY good choices. I’ve expanded my brain educationally and psychotropic-ally. But most importantly I’ve done it all with a shit ton of style and class. And I did it damn well.

If there’s any day to be immodest, I think today’s my free pass.

Thanks for everything, CT. I’ve enjoyed the trip and look forward to many more xx”


Fucking hell, I love my fans.


Honey Cunt



“I hinted to my sugar daddy that my best girlfriend and I would like the “honey cunt” necklace as a sort of grown up “bff” necklace. He, of course, was all for it and the necklaces arrived today along with the condoms and popping candies. I was so excited that you included little gifts in the package. It reminded me of when I used to order stuff from places as a teenager and they would send random gifts like stickers and compilation CDs with the order.  The Care Bear sticker on the package was also a nice touch. Thanks so much for making my day with your awesome package making skills!”


I just got this note in my inbox, and it pretty much made my day. I just love the ridiculous notion that two little sugar baby BFF’s are out there eating Pop Rocks and Care Bear Sharing it up with my Honey Cunt necklaces.

Yeah, the Coquette Boutique may not be making the world a better place, but at least I get to make a few candy lovin’ whores smile.

Stay wild, bitches.


Coquette Boutique



Listen up, all you lovers and fuckers. I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my online boutique where I’m kicking things off with a NEIVZ + Coquette collaboration featuring my own collection of cooler-than-fuck handmade jewelry by one of my favorite Los Angeles artists and designers, Steven Shein.

Stop in to the Coquette Boutique and check out all my ridiculous bling. If something catches your eye, snatch it up quick. These pieces are all limited edition, and they’re only available through the site.

Oh, and of course, this is all just the beginning, so bookmark my shit and come back often. I think you’ll like where this goes.


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