Custom Coke Talk Wedding Vows

The other day, a couple wrote in to Dear Coke Talk asking me to assist them in writing their wedding vows.

That shit was too charming to pass up, so we traded a few emails, and they turned out to be cool as fuck, squishy in love, and completely serious about having a lunatic stranger from the internet make up the magic words that would turn them into husband and wife. Good times.

I had them fill out a fairly extensive questionnaire, and before you know it, I’d mixed them up some casual, heartfelt, and highly personalized wedding vows.

Here they are. Enjoy!


Wedding Vows

for Jacob and Emma


Jacob:

Emma. Sweet Cherry Cone Meerkat. I am in awe of you. I am in awe of us. Our marriage is going to be awesome.

You are brilliant and beautiful, my perfect partner, my best fucking friend. I can’t wait to start spending the rest of our lives together. Being super creative. Challenging each other. Staying hip. Being good people. Being awesome.

You are my number one girl for life. Let’s go show these people how it’s supposed to be.
Emma:

Jacob. Wonderful Ice Cream Grasshopper. My love for you is not devotion, but I am devoted to you. My love for you is not adoration, but I adore you. My love for you is not passion, but I am passionate about you. My love for you is simply love. All encompassing. Unconditional. Love.

Your hand fits perfectly in mine. So today, take my hand, and let’s go build a wonderful life together.

Cunt

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“I was so psyched when I opened my package from you today and saw the Cunt ring… I just broke up with my fiancée last weekend so this is the perfect replacement for my engagement ring.”

I just got this thank you letter, and it totally made my day. The perfect replacement for her engagement ring? This bitch is fucking hilarious.

WWCTD

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“Thought I’d send you this picture I snapped yesterday before my college graduation. I proudly rocked my CT bracelet — and some flair to the traditional cap and gown— while walking across the stage to snag my diploma.

Thinking about it now, it’s quite fitting I chose yesterday to wear my CT bracelet because consciously or not, I’ve lived the last four years doing what I assume you’d do. I’ve made some bad choices, some good choices and some REALLY good choices. I’ve expanded my brain educationally and psychotropic-ally. But most importantly I’ve done it all with a shit ton of style and class. And I did it damn well.

If there’s any day to be immodest, I think today’s my free pass.

Thanks for everything, CT. I’ve enjoyed the trip and look forward to many more xx”

 

Fucking hell, I love my fans.

 

Honey Cunt

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“I hinted to my sugar daddy that my best girlfriend and I would like the “honey cunt” necklace as a sort of grown up “bff” necklace. He, of course, was all for it and the necklaces arrived today along with the condoms and popping candies. I was so excited that you included little gifts in the package. It reminded me of when I used to order stuff from places as a teenager and they would send random gifts like stickers and compilation CDs with the order.  The Care Bear sticker on the package was also a nice touch. Thanks so much for making my day with your awesome package making skills!”

 

I just got this note in my inbox, and it pretty much made my day. I just love the ridiculous notion that two little sugar baby BFF’s are out there eating Pop Rocks and Care Bear Sharing it up with my Honey Cunt necklaces.

Yeah, the Coquette Boutique may not be making the world a better place, but at least I get to make a few candy lovin’ whores smile.

Stay wild, bitches.

 

Coquette Boutique

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Listen up, all you lovers and fuckers. I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my online boutique where I’m kicking things off with a NEIVZ + Coquette collaboration featuring my own collection of cooler-than-fuck handmade jewelry by one of my favorite Los Angeles artists and designers, Steven Shein.

Stop in to the Coquette Boutique and check out all my ridiculous bling. If something catches your eye, snatch it up quick. These pieces are all limited edition, and they’re only available through the site.

Oh, and of course, this is all just the beginning, so bookmark my shit and come back often. I think you’ll like where this goes.

 

Is the tag on my reputation showing?

One of my vanilla flavored colleagues just pulled me aside and asked me to recommend a place where she could buy some kinky sex gear.

“Oh,” I said, “are you planning a halloween outfit?”

She got very serious. As if she were trying to score some street corner smack, she leaned in and whispered, “No. This is for real. I want the good stuff.”

Now I’m mildly concerned, because I have no idea how she would know to ask me about that kind of shit.

I’m standing there in work hair and a blazer, and suddenly I feel like everybody knows that I’m wearing La Perla.

Admittedly, I could have given her three phone numbers to various specialty and high-end custom shops and told her to drop my name if she wanted a discount, but this is the kind of woman who leaves lipstick on her diet coke can.

While I have nothing against her, she’s never seen anything other than my fake smile, and I want to keep it that way.

I told her to go to the Hustler Store on Sunset, and she thanked me like a fucking tourist.

In hindsight, it may have been a mistake.

Sure, the Hustler Store may be the Disneyland teacup ride for me, but now I’m worried that it’s enough to confirm all that bitch’s suspicions.

Coke Talk of the Day

Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life.

Updating your resume reflects your public life. The stories you tell about your co-workers over dinner reflect your private life, and the fact that you’re fucking your boss or embezzling money from the company reflects your secret life.

Certain professions get more face time with folks in their secret life. If you’re a lawyer, priest, or prostitute you probably already know what I’m talking about.

I much prefer the secret life, and for whatever reason, people are very comfortable letting me be a part of theirs. Ask anyone who’s watched a sunrise with me, and they’ll admit that I’m pretty much a lawyer, priest, and prostitute all rolled into one.

The secret life is a much more raw and visceral way to experience the human condition. Loyalties run deeper. Friendships are more intimate. People are more honest, even when they’re lying.

The flip side is that betrayals are dangerous. They aren’t just mildly embarrassing. They cause legitimate harm.

In fact, the whole notion of honor among thieves is really just a way of describing the higher standard of integrity required of those who operate in the realm of the secret life.

It’s because of this higher standard that I choose to remain anonymous.

Social media is doing a hell of a job blurring the lines between public and private, but we can all agree that blogging is inherently public.

Personal blogs — when they’re at their very best — share moments that are intensely private, but unless they are anonymous, they can never delve into the secret without causing harm.

I want to cram as much brutal truth into my writing as possible, and I can only do that when I’m free to share experiences from my secret life. Names are omitted to protect the guilty, including mine.

For those of you who’ve been asking, this is why I won’t reveal who I am.

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