Dear Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

Dear Kanye West and Kim Kardashian,

Hey, you crazy lovebirds. I wanted to take a hot minute out of my daily routine of dispensing advice to mere mortals and share a few thoughts with you on your brand new super-sparkly all-star relationship.

First of all, congratulations. Speaking as a pop cultural anthropologist, you two are far and away the most fascinating non-Scientology-based celebrity couple in the news at the moment. Seriously, you’re perfect for each other. When a pair of overhyped famewhores at your elite level decide to combine publicity machines, it can be a magical experience.

Don’t get me wrong, I mean no disrespect when I call you overhyped famewhores. That’s actually a huge compliment these days. I’m not one of those haters who thinks that what you do requires no talent. Quite the opposite. It takes all-consuming dedication and near sociopathic levels of cunning to design a pair of $90,000 neon sneakers, or generate $18 million in revenue from a sham wedding, so hats off for playing the game so well.

The only problem is that recently your publicists have had to deny allegations that your romantic relationship is all a big stunt. Well, damn the cynics. I for one have seen the promos for this week’s Kanye-fied episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians,” and I believe it’s true love. In fact, I get the sense that even the two of you are shocked at how well things are going. You shouldn’t be so surprised, though. You two are highly compatible.

You’ve both amassed obscene amounts of fame and fortune catering to a generation of douchebags. You’ve both cultivated egos of such colossal magnitude that they can be seen from space. And, perhaps more important than anyone realizes, you’ve both suffered the devastating loss of a parent during your extended adolescences.

Kim, you lost your father, a dashing hustler who wielded power and influence. Kanye, you lost your mother, a commanding female presence who also happened to be your super-ego. Kim, it’s no accident that you found Kanye, because he’s just your dad, plus a heaping helping of that other thing you love: fame. Kanye, it’s no accident that you found Kim, because she’s just your mom, plus a heaping helping of that other thing you love: Amber Rose.

A set of deeply rooted mommy and daddy issues grounded in pathological narcissism and blossoming under the hot lights of reality TV cameras is the perfect foundation upon which to build a healthy and happy long-term relationship. I definitely see you guys making it.

Oh, and we can do better than “Kimye” as your unofficial celebrity couple nickname. Henceforth, until it all ends in a shower of sparks, you two shall be known as “Kardashiyeezy.”

In the meantime, best of luck in all your endeavors. I’m really happy for you, and I’mma enjoy lettin’ you finish.

Yours in relevance,

The Coquette

Dear Andy Cohen,

Stop. Just stop. You’ve had a great run these past few years, but it’s over.

I want to sincerely thank you for Top Chef and Project Runway. Thank you for Tabitha Coffey, Jeff Lewis, and Rachel Zoe. Thank you for every last one of those narcissistic cunts on The Real Housewives. You set the standard for reality TV, and I want to remember your contribution to pop culture fondly.

Walk away. Go out while you’re on top. I say this to you now because you’ve obviously reached the point where you’re surrounded by sycophants who won’t speak truth to power, or you’re so busy hosting that you can’t recognize when Bravo is jumping the shark. How else can you explain Miss Advised?

Seriously, dude. Your programming formula is not fool-proof. Ingredients matter, and green-lighting a show EP’d by Ashley Tisdale starring Julia Allison is a recipe for disaster.

No, it’s not the good kind of disaster where everyone tunes in to watch the trainwreck. It’s the kind of disaster where five years from now everyone looks back and points to this show as the moment when Bravo lost its edge.

Mark my words, Miss Advised will be your Waterloo.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

With respect,

The Coquette

Dear Republicans,

The Bush administration and key members of your party spent the last decade exploiting 9/11 for political gain. As a direct result of this exploitation, our country waged a false war and wasted a trillion dollars.

I point this out as a friendly reminder for those of you who think that President Obama is exploiting bin Laden’s death.

Nothing Barack Obama will say during his campaign will be anywhere near as exploitative and toxic as the fear-based bullshit George W. Bush spewed to steal his re-election.

Please shut the fuck up, you hypocritical warmongering cunts.

Toodles,

CQ

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