To the grown-ass man who just tried to high five me while saying, “YOLO!”

There are a few things you should know about the crime you just committed. First of all, who taught you that word? Did you learn it at Coachella? Are you secretly dating teenagers from Santa Monica College? Dude, you wear fucking cufflinks during the day. You have absolutely no business knowing what YOLO means, much less using it in polite company.

For the record, YOLO is something you say in the bathroom of a Daytona Beach strip club to spring breakers who decided to smoke meth for the first time. It is not something you say while drinking Pellegrino in a conference room to an adult who just bought tickets to Peru.

Attempting to high five me was bad enough, but the YOLO technically made that shit an aggravated assault. Please note, if you say that word again in my presence, I am legally allowed to punch you in the jaw with my fist, and I don’t have to take my rings off beforehand.

Nothing counts on leap day.

What are you gonna do?