Facebook just broke up with me in an email. No joke. At first, I thought it was spam: “Hi, your personal account was recently disabled by Facebook.”

Turns out, they really do send corporate fortune cookie emails upon summarily detaching you from the matrix and shitting you out of the machine world.

Not that they asked me first, but apparently, they don’t believe that my real name is Coke Talk. What a shame, because that’s a violation of their ridiculous credo:

“Facebook is built around real world interactions. Operating under an alias detracts from the value of the system as a whole. Users who operate under fake names are also prone to abuse. We take this standard very seriously and remove fake accounts as we become aware of them.”

Whatever, dudes.

Honestly, good riddance. I’ve always loathed Facebook. There was a time when it was a necessary evil, but not anymore. This bullshit is my official tipping point. I’ve had enough of Zuckerberg’s hideous blue and white monster. I’m out.

Not only do I refuse to start new a Facebook account for Coke Talk, but I’m deleting my real life account too. I’m tired of all the digital trespass. I’m tired of all the cursory acquaintanceship. It’s a fucking burden not worth the upkeep and not nearly worth the potential embarrassment.

I encourage every last one of you who know what I’m talking about to join me. If you’ve ever considered brushing aside that tangled web of bullshit, deactivate your account as well.

Start the trend. I promise, you won’t regret it. Fuck ‘em where they live.

Facebook has been little more than an irrelevant intrusion for the last couple years anyway, and now that it’s blown its mythological load with the big movie, I officially declare Facebook to be done and done.

Mark my words, The Social Network is gonna sweep the Academy Awards next weekend. That will represent Facebook sucking its last remaining drops of cultural significance out of the zeitgeist. It’s all downhill after the Oscars.

Sure, it’ll take a few years for the empire to crumble, but eventually even the red state dial-up crowd will realize they’ve been masturbating to the yellow pages for the last half decade.

In the meantime, I’ve got much better ways to play around on the internet.

So do you.