If Los Angeles were depicted as nine circles of suffering, here’s a tentative list of how I would organize the damned souls in the underworld:


First Circle (Limbo):
Van tour tourists, people who stand in line at nightclubs, and actors


Second Circle (Lust):
Guys who sit in the back row at yoga classes


Third Circle (Gluttony):
Foodies who post their meals on Instagram and casual acquaintances who like to talk about their twelve-step programs


Fourth Circle (Greed):
Every asshole who’s ever taken up two parking spots


Fifth Circle (Wrath):
Dumbfucks who refuse to turn right on red


Sixth Circle (Heresy):
Unreliable drug dealers and friends who live in the Valley


Seventh Circle (Violence):
Outer Ring: Spin class instructors
Middle Ring: Paparazzi
Inner Ring: The LAPD


Eighth Circle (Fraud):
Level 1: Vegans
Level 2: Promoters
Level 3: Anyone with a slash in their title
Level 4: Trust fund hipsters
Level 5: Development executives
Level 6: Dudes who call themselves producers
Level 7: Actual producers
Level 8: Publicists
Level 9: Celebrities
Level 10: Scientologists


Ninth Circle (Treachery):
The Parking Enforcement Bureau


And in the very center of Hell:
Donald Sterling, condemned for committing the ultimate sin. (For now, of course. Los Angeles has a fresh Satan every month.)