Lost in the Light

My ongoing romantic complication continues to be complicated.

This thing of ours has gone on long enough for me to recognize the larger patterns of its push and pull. It’s lunar, almost tidal. There’s an elliptical orbit to it, and we’ve completed another revolution around one another.

I’m back in the heartache phase, but only briefly. It’s not nearly as bad this time. There’s not as much gravity. It’s as if we’re hurtling further away from each other on each go-around, which is a good thing, because I’m finally fucking ready to move on.

We got close there for a minute. It felt really good, but it also never felt right. I mean, shit. There was a reason this thing was never supposed to happen from the beginning, so I don’t know what I was expecting.

We weren’t meant to be together. Almost, but not quite. So yeah, I’ll have this one night of frustrated insomnia where I write a cryptic post and lament the fact that we had another near miss, and tomorrow I’ll wake up and realize that it was actually a disaster averted.

Our relationship will still be ongoing and complicated. Neither of us have a choice about that, but I do have a choice to no longer be emotionally available. Quite simply, it’s time for me to focus my romantic efforts and energy elsewhere.

I’ve done this before, so I know how it works. This next phase will be good for me, because there’s about to be a shift in our power dynamics. I’ll be the one in control again, no longer vulnerable.

Of course, that brings on a whole new set of complications, but I can handle those.