The Coquette State-By-State Guide to Tuesday’s Midterm Elections

Midterm elections are a big fucking deal. Here’s a state-by-state breakdown of how I hope everyone votes this Tuesday. (If your state isn’t listed, that means it’s either not a Senate battleground state or it doesn’t have any ballot measures that caught my eye. Still, get the fuck out there and vote!)


ALABAMA

No on 1Prohibition of Foreign Laws — This pandering frivolous bullshit is aimed at Islamophobic bible-bangers who live in fear of Sharia Law. It’s toothless and stupid legislation meant to appease the toothless and stupid.

No on 3“Strict Scrutiny” of Gun Restrictions — This amendment would require the highest level of judicial review for any matter of law that might affect a redneck’s ability to own guns. The right to bear arms would be elevated to a fundamental right and given the highest possible protection in Alabama, you know, unlike a woman’s right to make choices about her reproductive health.

 

ALASKA

Yes on 2Marijuana Decriminalization— Duh.

Yes on 3Minimum Wage Increase  — Double Duh.

 

ARKANSAS

Mark Pryor for Senate — He’s an idiot, but at least he’s not a Republican. (We simply cannot let Republicans win back the majority in the Senate, you guys. This is one of those elections where you gotta get out and vote for the Democrats, even if they’re schmucks. Think big picture.)

Yes on 4Alcoholic Beverage Initiative — So, yeah. Arkansas is just now getting around to a state-wide repeal of prohibition. Better late than never.

Yes on 5Minimum Wage Initiative — The minimum wage in Arkansas is $6.25 an hour. This would raise it to $8.50 by 2017. Arkansas fucking sucks, you guys. Make it suck a little less.

 

CALIFORNIA

Jerry Brown for Governor — I hate that our Governor’s name is Jerry, but I suppose he’ll do for now.

Gavin Newsom for Lieutenant Governor — This pretty boy will be President one day. Get used to voting for him.

Kamala Harris for Attorney General — Kamala is the kind of human being you want enforcing the law. As far as career politicians go, we’re lucky to have her.

No on 1Water Bond — You guys saw Chinatown, right? It’s all about who controls the water. This proposition is just corporate agribusiness squeezing $7.5 billion worth of boondoggle projects and cheap water out of a state that’s already broke.

Whatever on 2Rainy Day Budget Stabilization — This is exactly the kind of slow-moving bullshit that should never be put to popular vote. Budgeting by ballot initiative is one of the primary reasons this state is so fucked.

Yes on 45Public Notice Required for Insurance Company Rates — If you’re lucky enough to have health insurance, this proposition would help protect you against exorbitant rate hikes. This one’s a no-brainer.

Hell No on 46Medical Malpractice Caps and Doctor Drug Testing — This is a sneaky, horribly written piece of legislation that will make lawyers rich at the expense of doctors.

FUCK YES on 47Reduced Penalties for Some Crimes Initiative — This is a wonderful proposition that will make our justice system a little more just. The only people who oppose it are cops. Enough said.

Yes on 48Referendum on Indian Gaming — More casinos? Fine. Whatever.

 

COLORADO

Mark Udall for Senate — Republicans are hate-voting against Obama one last time with these midterms. Incumbents like Mark Udall might lose their jobs, and the Democrats might lose the senate. Not good.

FUCK NO on 67Personhood Initiative — Not only should you vote no on this evil piece of anti-abortion legislation, but you should punch anyone in the face who would vote yes. I’m serious. Punch them right in the fucking face.

 

FLORIDA

Charlie Crist for Governor — It’s not so much that Charlie Crist deserves to win. It’s that Rick Scott really deserves to lose.

YES on 2Medical Marijuana — Next up, medical cocaine!

 

GEORGIA

Michelle Nunn for Senate — Please, please, please vote for Michelle Nunn! Come on, Georgia. You can do this!

Jason Carter for Governor — Okay, yeah. He’s kinda cute.

 

ILLINOIS

Yes on the Minimum Wage Increase Question — This is a nonbinding referendum, so it needs to pass big to become a mandate for state representatives.

 

IOWA

Bruce Braley for Senate — He’s not gonna win. I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that Joni Ernst is a dumb cunt with a shitty haircut.

 

KANSAS

Greg Orman for Senate — Running as an independent, Greg is the closest thing we’ll ever get to a “Not Republican” Senator from Kansas. He’s basically a wealthy capitalist with socially liberal tendencies. Oh well. You take what you can get from a state that just started teaching evolution last year.

Paul Davis for Governor — Paul Davis is a decent man. Sam Brownback is a bible-banging fucknut. That’s really all there is to it.

 

KENTUCKY

Alison Lundergan Grimes for Senate — Everyone go vote for for Alison. Get all your friends to vote for Alison. Make your parents vote for Alison. Come on, Kentucky. You can do it!

 

LOUISIANA

Mary Landrieu for Senate — If enough of you get out and vote, there’s a slim chance that she might win. Come on. Get off your asses and participate in your democracy.

 

NEW HAMPSHIRE

Jeanne Shaheen for Senate — Seriously, is Shaheen loses to that empty suit from another state, you guys are all a bunch of syrup-slurping assholes.

 

NEW YORK

Yes on 1Redistricting Commission Amendment — This proposal would establish a bipartisan commission to prevent gerrymandering. It’s good shit. Every state should have one.

 

NORTH CAROLINA

Kay Hagan for Senate — This one’s gonna be close. I’m just hoping Asheville has good weather on Tuesday and that it rains like hell in Charlotte.

 

NORTH DAKOTA

FUCK NO on 1Life Begins at Conception Amendment — This is another evil anti-abortion measure. Not only should you vote no, but you should make mortal enemies with anyone who votes yes. Face punches, all of them.

 

OREGON

Yes on 91Marijuana Legalization — How is this not already legal in Oregon?

 

TENNESSEE

FUCK NO on 1Abortion Amendment — Ugh. Yet another fucked up ballot measure trying to erode a woman’s right to choose. Vote no, punch everyone in the face who supports it, and then go write some country music.

 

TEXAS

Wendy Davis for Governor — She’s not gonna win. Texas is gonna elect another shit-kicking Obama-suing right-wing asshole, as per usual. But come on, Texas women, the least you could do is get out and vote for someone who has your back.

 

WASHINGTON

No on 591Gun Rights — This initiative would make it easier to buy an AR-15 than it is to open a credit card. America is so fucking stupid sometimes.

Yes on 594Gun Responsibility — This initiative closes background check loopholes for people trying to buy guns online or at gun shows. It’s the antidote to 591.

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Yes on 71Marijuana Legalization — Let’s get high in our nation’s capital!

 

LA not L.A.

lanotla

 

It’s wrong how much this turns me on.

Like, I wanna get fucked from behind against one of these machines in the back hallway of some shitty dive bar, and then right afterwards, yank one of those levers, tear open the pack with my teeth, and let him light my cigarette as I pull my underwear back on.

Hot damn, I gotta get back to New Orleans.


(Photo by the brilliant Clayton Cubbitt)

 

 

My First Termination

termination

 

This is the email I woke up to. Terrifying.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do at this point. Within ten minutes of sounding the alarm via Twitter, my account had been restored, but I’m one of the lucky ones. I have the privilege of asking tens of thousands of people to write into Tumblr on my behalf, and I can only imagine how helpless someone might feel who woke up to the same letter with no way to do anything about it.

I went back and searched through my old email address. Sure enough, under the “Social” tab of a gmail account that I never use anymore were a handful of Tumblr DMCA notices, all originating from some sniveling cunt stain named Jeremy Banks of the IFPI. I saw none of the notices until this morning, not that it would have mattered, because they were all for songs that I posted years ago.

I’ve been posting music for over half a damn decade. I have no idea what songs Jeremy Banks is suddenly going to give a shit about. Short of deleting every song I’ve ever posted, there’s nothing I can do to retroactively protect myself from this kind of arbitrary account termination.

Shit, we all post music. We all click the little box. We all know damn well that we don’t own the copyright, but we do it anyway. We’re not stealing. We’re not making money off the backs of musicians. We’re sharing our favorite songs with our friends.

God damn, I’m still shaking from all the adrenaline. I’m genuinely upset right now. People are suggesting that I export my blogs and migrate to independent hosting, but I don’t want to have to do that.

I love Tumblr. I love the community it fosters. I love my dashboard full of people I follow, and I love the interactions I have with all the people who follow me. I don’t want to leave Tumblr, but I don’t want to be so beholden to the whims of some DMCA termination robot either.

At the very least, I need to find a way to separate and protect Dear Coquette and my other blogs where I’ve never posted any music.

Ugh. This is not good. This is not good at all.

 

August Can Go Fuck Itself

august

 

I’ll be back in a few days. In the meantime, I’ve put together a little playlist titled August Can Go Fuck Itself.

Seriously, though. This entire month turned out to be one long state of emergency, just a stream of bad news both for me personally and for the rest of the world. (I had to go through some shit, and I haven’t been well.)

Anyway, some of the songs on the August Can Go Fuck Itself playlist seemed appropriate, and some just helped get me through the past couple weeks.

Here’s to a better September.

 

Here, LAPD. I fixed your shitty press release.

BEFORE:

Los Angeles
Police Department
News Release
Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Officer-Involved Shooting in Newton Area NR14309lp

Los Angeles:  On Monday, August 11, 2014, around 8:20 pm, Newton Patrol Division officers conducted an investigative stop in the 200 block of West 65th Street.

During the stop a struggle ensued, which resulted in an officer-involved-shooting. It is unknown if the suspect has any gang affiliations.

The suspect was transported to a local hospital and after lifesaving efforts he succumbed to his injuries.

No officers were injured.

Force Investigation Division responded to the incident and will conduct a thorough investigation of the officer-involved-shooting.

The investigation will ultimately be reviewed by the Chief of Police, the Office of the Inspector General and Board of Police Commissioners for compliance with the Departments use-of-force policy, which states that an officer’s use-of-force actions must be objectively reasonable.

Additionally, the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Justice System Integrity Division will conduct a comprehensive review of the facts of the officer-involved-shooting.

Anyone with information is asked to call Force Investigation Division at (213) 486-5230.  During non-business hours or on weekends, calls should be directed to 1-877-LAPD-24-7 (877-527-3247).  Anyone wishing to remain anonymous should call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS (800-222-8477).  Tipsters may also contact Crime Stoppers by texting to phone number 274637 (C-R-I-M-E-S on most keypads) with a cell phone.  All text messages should begin with the letters “LAPD.”  Tipsters may also go to LAPDOnline.org, click on “webtips” and follow the prompts.

 

AFTER:

Los Angeles
Police Department
News Release
Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Officer-Committed Homicide in Newton Area NR14309lp

Los Angeles: On Monday, August 11, 2014, around 8:20pm, Newton Patrol Division officers conducted a Fourth Amendment violating stop in the 200 block of West 65th Street.

During the stop, a black man tried to defend himself from being beaten by police, which resulted in one of the officers panicking, drawing his weapon, and shooting the unarmed, mentally ill man three times in the back while he was laying on the ground. It is unknown if the officer is a racist.

The victim was transported to a local hospital, and after lifesaving efforts, he succumbed to his multiple gunshot wounds.

No officers were ever in any danger.

The Rat Squad responded to the incident, and will conduct a self-serving exercise in public relations as per usual.

The public relations effort will ultimately be reviewed by the Chief of Police, the Office of the Inspector General, and Board of Police Commissioners to make sure the shooting won’t blow back on anyone’s political career, and if public opinion requires it, they might make an example out of the officer by suspending him without pay.

Additionally, the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Justice System Integrity Division will attempt to justify its annual budget by filling out a bunch of forms.

Any rats who’d like to rat are asked to call the Rat Squad at (213) 486-5230.  During non-business hours or on weekends, calls should be directed to 1-877-LAPD-24-7 (877-527-3247).  Rats wishing to remain anonymous should call the Rat Line at 1-800-222-TIPS (800-222-8477).  Rats may also contact the Rat Line by texting to phone number 274637 (C-R-I-M-E-S on most keypads) with a cell phone.  All text messages should begin with the letters “LAPD.”  Rats may also go to LAPDOnline.org, click on “webtips” and follow the prompts.

The Purest Essence of America

protest

 

A man in a stars-and-stripes t-shirt picks up burning tear gas canister, hurls it back at the militarized riot cops who just shot it at him, and all the while he never puts down his bag of chips.*

This photograph captures the purest essence of America I’ve ever seen. I hope everyone under siege in St. Louis finds safety tonight, and of course, fuck the police.

* RED HOT RIPLETS #fortherecord

 

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