Midterm elections are a big fucking deal. Here’s a state-by-state breakdown of how I hope everyone votes this Tuesday. (If your state isn’t listed, that means it’s either not a Senate battleground state or it doesn’t have any ballot measures that caught my eye. Still, get the fuck out there and vote!)

ALABAMA

No on 1 — Prohibition of Foreign Laws — This pandering frivolous bullshit is aimed at Islamophobic bible-bangers who live in fear of Sharia Law. It’s toothless and stupid legislation meant to appease the toothless and stupid.

No on 3 — “Strict Scrutiny” of Gun Restrictions — This amendment would require the highest level of judicial review for any matter of law that might affect a redneck’s ability to own guns. The right to bear arms would be elevated to a fundamental right and given the highest possible protection in Alabama, you know, unlike a woman’s right to make choices about her reproductive health.

 

ALASKA

Yes on 2 — Marijuana Decriminalization— Duh.

Yes on 3 — Minimum Wage Increase  — Double Duh.

 

ARKANSAS

Mark Pryor for Senate — He’s an idiot, but at least he’s not a Republican. (We simply cannot let Republicans win back the majority in the Senate, you guys. This is one of those elections where you gotta get out and vote for the Democrats, even if they’re schmucks. Think big picture.)

Yes on 4 — Alcoholic Beverage Initiative — So, yeah. Arkansas is just now getting around to a state-wide repeal of prohibition. Better late than never.

Yes on 5 — Minimum Wage Initiative — The minimum wage in Arkansas is $6.25 an hour. This would raise it to $8.50 by 2017. Arkansas fucking sucks, you guys. Make it suck a little less.

 

CALIFORNIA

Jerry Brown for Governor — I hate that our Governor’s name is Jerry, but I suppose he’ll do for now.

Gavin Newsom for Lieutenant Governor — This pretty boy will be President one day. Get used to voting for him.

Kamala Harris for Attorney General — Kamala is the kind of human being you want enforcing the law. As far as career politicians go, we’re lucky to have her.

No on 1 — Water Bond — You guys saw Chinatown, right? It’s all about who controls the water. This proposition is just corporate agribusiness squeezing $7.5 billion worth of boondoggle projects and cheap water out of a state that’s already broke.

Whatever on 2 — Rainy Day Budget Stabilization — This is exactly the kind of slow-moving bullshit that should never be put to popular vote. Budgeting by ballot initiative is one of the primary reasons this state is so fucked.

Yes on 45 — Public Notice Required for Insurance Company Rates — If you’re lucky enough to have health insurance, this proposition would help protect you against exorbitant rate hikes. This one’s a no-brainer.

Hell No on 46 — Medical Malpractice Caps and Doctor Drug Testing — This is a sneaky, horribly written piece of legislation that will make lawyers rich at the expense of doctors.

FUCK YES on 47 — Reduced Penalties for Some Crimes Initiative — This is a wonderful proposition that will make our justice system a little more just. The only people who oppose it are cops. Enough said.

Yes on 48 — Referendum on Indian Gaming — More casinos? Fine. Whatever.

 

COLORADO

Mark Udall for Senate — Republicans are hate-voting against Obama one last time with these midterms. Incumbents like Mark Udall might lose their jobs, and the Democrats might lose the senate. Not good.

FUCK NO on 67 — Personhood Initiative — Not only should you vote no on this evil piece of anti-abortion legislation, but you should punch anyone in the face who would vote yes. I’m serious. Punch them right in the fucking face.

 

FLORIDA

Charlie Crist for Governor — It’s not so much that Charlie Crist deserves to win. It’s that Rick Scott really deserves to lose.

YES on 2 — Medical Marijuana — Next up, medical cocaine!

 

GEORGIA

Michelle Nunn for Senate — Please, please, please vote for Michelle Nunn! Come on, Georgia. You can do this!

Jason Carter for Governor — Okay, yeah. He’s kinda cute.

 

ILLINOIS

Yes on the Minimum Wage Increase Question — This is a nonbinding referendum, so it needs to pass big to become a mandate for state representatives.

 

IOWA

Bruce Braley for Senate — He’s not gonna win. I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that Joni Ernst is a dumb cunt with a shitty haircut.

 

KANSAS

Greg Orman for Senate — Running as an independent, Greg is the closest thing we’ll ever get to a “Not Republican” Senator from Kansas. He’s basically a wealthy capitalist with socially liberal tendencies. Oh well. You take what you can get from a state that just started teaching evolution last year.

Paul Davis for Governor — Paul Davis is a decent man. Sam Brownback is a bible-banging fucknut. That’s really all there is to it.

 

KENTUCKY

Alison Lundergan Grimes for Senate — Everyone go vote for for Alison. Get all your friends to vote for Alison. Make your parents vote for Alison. Come on, Kentucky. You can do it!

 

LOUISIANA

Mary Landrieu for Senate — If enough of you get out and vote, there’s a slim chance that she might win. Come on. Get off your asses and participate in your democracy.

 

NEW HAMPSHIRE

Jeanne Shaheen for Senate — Seriously, is Shaheen loses to that empty suit from another state, you guys are all a bunch of syrup-slurping assholes.

 

NEW YORK

Yes on 1 — Redistricting Commission Amendment — This proposal would establish a bipartisan commission to prevent gerrymandering. It’s good shit. Every state should have one.

 

NORTH CAROLINA

Kay Hagan for Senate — This one’s gonna be close. I’m just hoping Asheville has good weather on Tuesday and that it rains like hell in Charlotte.

 

NORTH DAKOTA

FUCK NO on 1 — Life Begins at Conception Amendment — This is another evil anti-abortion measure. Not only should you vote no, but you should make mortal enemies with anyone who votes yes. Face punches, all of them.

 

OREGON

Yes on 91 — Marijuana Legalization — How is this not already legal in Oregon?

 

TENNESSEE

FUCK NO on 1 — Abortion Amendment — Ugh. Yet another fucked up ballot measure trying to erode a woman’s right to choose. Vote no, punch everyone in the face who supports it, and then go write some country music.

 

TEXAS

Wendy Davis for Governor — She’s not gonna win. Texas is gonna elect another shit-kicking Obama-suing right-wing asshole, as per usual. But come on, Texas women, the least you could do is get out and vote for someone who has your back.

 

WASHINGTON

No on 591 — Gun Rights — This initiative would make it easier to buy an AR-15 than it is to open a credit card. America is so fucking stupid sometimes.

Yes on 594 — Gun Responsibility — This initiative closes background check loopholes for people trying to buy guns online or at gun shows. It’s the antidote to 591.

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Yes on 71 — Marijuana Legalization — Let’s get high in our nation’s capital!