Coke Talk of the Day

Occupy Wall Street was a fucking mouse fart compared to the damage our generation could do to the system if every last one of us suddenly decided to stop making payments on our student loans.

I doubt it would take all that many conscientious defaulters to reach a tipping point — maybe a few hundred thousand — and the student debt bubble would burst. Credit scores would be meaningless. Ivory towers would crumble. The entire fucking economy would implode.

I dunno, it might be worth doing.

You Probably Hate Anne Hathaway Because of the Economy

anne

 

You Probably Hate Anne Hathaway Because of the Economy

Interesting article, but nope. We don’t hate Anne Hathaway because of the economy. Actually, we don’t hate Anne Hathaway at all. We just don’t give a shit about her particular fairy tale.

It’s not Anne’s fault. She just doesn’t project authenticity. I know that sounds ridiculous, given that authenticity is as manufactured as anything else we absorb from pop culture. Still, authenticity is what it takes for us to scrape off our protective layer of cynicism and enjoy a genuine emotional response to whatever they’re trying to sell us.

In Anne’s case, we’re just not buying it. Sure, she’s talented and lovely and probably holds the world record for never slouching a day in her life, but her humility is false, and even by Hollywood standards her stardom is hyper-calculated. It’s hard to like someone who takes her celebrity that seriously.

Anne has one of the most beautiful smiles in the history of teeth, but you know what? We don’t trust it. We don’t believe that the expression on her face matches the content of her soul, and that slight emotional hypocrisy is enough for us to turn on her.

That’s the fundamental difference between Jennifer Lawrence and Anne Hathaway. We’d all rather imagine ourselves as J-Law’s BFF because when she smiles (or trips or cries or farts) we believe her. She is authentic in a way that Anne just isn’t.

 

Silly boy. Your cigars do not impress me. All the small batch whiskey and straight razors in Silver Lake won’t make you more of a man. They are props in a co-opted collection of masculine rituals that you perform with the disconnected precision of a priest who never learned Latin. You are pretending at manhood.

On Super Bowl Advertising

This is marketing disguised as propaganda:

 

 

This is propaganda disguised as marketing:

 

 

The Scientology “Knowledge” ad is trying to make you buy something, whereas the Dodge “God Made a Farmer” ad is trying to make you believe something.

That’s an incredibly important distinction.

Scientology wants to sell you a product with its ad. Sure, it happens to be a set of beliefs, but the ad is still just a glossy sales pitch. (The beliefs come later.) All it wants you to do is buy Scientology, and that’s why it’s marketing disguised as propaganda.

Dodge, on the other hand, doesn’t want to sell you a product with its ad. The truck is for sale, of course, but that’s not the point. The ad exists for the sole purpose of reinforcing an American myth about farmers that can be co-opted for brand identity. It wants you to believe in the myth, and that’s why it’s propaganda disguised as marketing.

For the record, propaganda disguised as marketing is infinitely more insidious than marketing disguised as propaganda.

 

At Least There’s Beyonce

In observance of America’s most celebrated annual ritual, I have prepared an offering of seven layer dip.

I shall now drive deep into the suburbs and consume large amounts of alcohol so that I might better pretend to be emotionally invested in the professional sports team based out of the city nearest to the one in which I live.

Oh, the things I do for my married friends.

Velveeta

velveeta

 

In 2002, the FDA issued a warning to Kraft that Velveeta was misbranded as a “Pasteurized Process Cheese Spread.” That term has a legal definition as a food, and sadly, Velveeta does not qualify. In response, Kraft changed the label to “Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product,” a term for which the FDA does not maintain a standard of identity.

 

You do not exist.

At any given moment, you do not exist. Your body exists, temporary though it may be. Still, you are not your body. You are merely an electrochemical process of your body. The continuity of your separate self is manufactured every few milliseconds by a hunk of warm grey meat between your ears. In the time it takes you to read this sentence, your brain has created you a thousand times, and it has left behind a thousand ghosts of you.

Things I Don’t Understand About Sluts

 

The other day I got bombarded by people asking for a response to this video. First, I need to make a few points clear:

1. If a girl deliberately sleeps with another girl’s boyfriend, her problem isn’t being a slut. Her problem is having a sociopathic lack of integrity.

2. If a girl gets accidentally pregnant and wants to keep the baby for all the wrong reasons, her problem isn’t being a slut. Her problem is one of contraception and general immaturity.

3. If a girl chooses anal or oral sex instead of vaginal sex as a means of rationalization, her problem isn’t being a slut. Her problem is the ignorance that stems from antiquated notions of virginity.

4. If a girl gets so sloppy drunk at the club that she makes poor sexual decisions, her problem isn’t being a slut. Her problem is alcohol abuse, and the larger problem is men who think it’s okay to take advantage of a woman when she’s drunk.

The first major failing of Jenna’s video is that she confuses these various problems of ignorance, immaturity, lack of integrity, and alcohol abuse with being a slut. Why does she do this? Well, because sex is involved, and Jenna’s personal hang-ups about sex cloud her ability to empathize with other women.

Jenna is like most girls in this regard. She faults other women who rationalize their sexual behavior, but fails to recognize that her silly argument for the evolutionary superiority of monogamy is just a rationalization of her own sexual choices.

She is blind to her internalized misogyny and totally unaware that she has been culturally programmed to judge a woman, as she puts it, “by the contents of her mouth, butthole, and vagina.”

Jenna openly admits to judging by “how many dicks do you put in your body on a regular basis.” This is slut shaming at its most insidious, and of course, it is also the second major failing of Jenna’s video.

The third major failing of Jenna’s video is that it’s just not funny. It doesn’t matter if she announces that it’s not going to be funny. If she comes out doing her schtick, she’s gotta be funny. That’s why we watch her instead of the million other ranting lunatics on YouTube.

So yeah, Jenna fucked this one up big time. It’s all just a bunch of confused, unfunny slut-shaming, and at this point, I hope she knows it. Of course, none of this is unforgivable, especially if she’s willing to admit that she’s wrong.

I’m looking forward to the apology, and I hope it’s funny.

 

Attenuation

attenuation

 

Attenuation is the gradual loss in intensity of any kind of flux through a medium.

Los Angeles is a study in attenuation.

The sunset is attenuated as it pierces through the rush hour smog. Your cell phone signal is attenuated as it bounces up and through the canyons. Dreams are attenuated as they grind through the celebrity machine.

The process of attenuation is this city’s preferred method of chaos, because it is a delicate rhythm of scattering and absorption. Of all the flavors of entropy, attenuation renders the most graceful patterns of annihilation.

 

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