Real Men Marry Women




That’s it. Use reverse psychology, sweetie. You’ll have a gay man buying a ring for you in no time.

Bitches like this are what I call corn-syrup evil. They are a sickeningly sweet byproduct of a broken American heartland, inherently unhealthy, and almost impossible to avoid.

Honestly, this is why I don’t like talking politics. Why would I want to spend my time arguing with physically unattractive intellectual inferiors?

I mean look at her. Poor thing has to go through her entire life with that head, much less with what’s in it.

Hipster Comedy Sex



I’d like to see Kristen Schaal and Demetri Martin get together for some deadpan and awkwardly timed hipster comedy sex involving a bunch of unnecessary props and visual aids. Watching them fuck would be inherently funnier than either of their stand-up acts. Plus, if they eventually had a baby together, it would be yet another of their family members they could trudge out on stage for a self-indulgent performance-art based finale.


Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning


The teenage lesbian sex that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning would have together is the kind of thing that would make poets weep.

Go ahead. Imagine them kissing. It is the reason the Ancient Greeks had four distinct words for love.


Coke Talk of the Day

I wasn’t going to say anything, but the Salinger worship is getting a bit out of hand. Honestly, people. Catcher in the Rye is basically a Judy Blume book that grew a little hair on its balls.

Before all you English majors get your panties in a twist, go pull that paperback with the red cover off your top shelf and give it a fresh look now that you’re not writing a high school book report on the significance of the elephants on Phoebe’s pajamas.

Read it with the eyes of an adult.

I think you’ll quickly realize why Salinger knew better than to let it become a movie, because it’s hard not to imagine some ineffectual little pussy like Robert Pattinson in the role of Holden Caulfield.

If you loved the book, fine. That’s great. I’m not saying it’s bad. I’m just agreeing with everyone who thinks Salinger is overrated.

I mean, come on. The guy lived for ninety-one years. He basically hit the literary lottery over a half-century ago with one little novel about teen angst. Good for him, but let’s stop confusing Salinger for guys like Vonnegut and Hemingway.

How is it possible that I am still this high?

The half-life of whatever chemical was in those pills may require measurement in phases of the moon. Coming to grips with the quiet likelihood that I will never cease being this high.


Also, savoring the notion that at this very moment, millions of otherwise sane adults are getting dressed to go to church. It’s almost sad that they will never feel the kind of bliss that I’m feeling right now.


Jersey Shore



Immediately after this photo was taken, a group of golfers mistook Pauly D for their caddy and started giving him shit for wearing a hat indoors.

Snooki got all up in their faces, grabbed a nine iron, and started chasing them around the country club like she was married to Tiger Woods.

The Situation lifted up his cardigan to show everyone his six pack while asking for directions to the women’s locker room.

Jwoww threw her tea all over a bunch of girls named Heather for commenting on her pearl necklace, and then she thundered off to the buffet to find some ham.

Sammi shot her mouth off about Ronnie’s “little pinky,” and Ronnie exploded in a fit of roid rage that ultimately led to him ripping off his jacket and tie.

Vinny just sat there.


Coke Talk of the Day

This past weekend was a barrage of holiday parties and best friends. Now that I’m re-entering the atmosphere, I’m realizing that I may have made a deal with the devil.

At one point, we were all talking about our christmas lists in a typical four a.m. conversation over a coke mirror. I half-jokingly mentioned that I wanted a red 1961 IBM Selectric typewriter. I described this thing like it was a classic Mustang.

They all kind of looked at me funny. Why would I want something like that? I explained that my grandfather had one, and him letting me type on it was one of my fondest memories. Plus, it’s just a cool ass piece of hardware that would look great on my desk at home.

One of my really close friends who knows about my blog pressed me a little further. He wanted to know if I would actually use it. I told him of course I would.

He asked me if I could write a book on a typewriter. I said, well, probably not a whole book, but it’s one of the tools I would lean on heavily because it’s so tactile and analog and linear.

Then he said, so if the typewriter showed up under your tree, you would write a book?

Without even thinking, I said hell yes.

This is the kind of guy with the check book to actually get me a gift like that and the and brass balls hold my feet to the fire. I have no idea if he’ll actually do it, but if he does, he’s gonna make me stick to my word.

Now I’m kind of nervous.

Coke Talk of the Day

Today my family dragged me to see “The Blind Side.”

It’s the one about a nouveau riche soccer mom who rescues a gentle giant teenager from being black in Memphis because it seems like the good christian thing to do for college football.

Sandra Bullock basically proves that if you henpeck your country music star husband who owns fifty Taco Bells into buying a pickup truck and a private tutor, you can teach any old kid from the projects to read at a fifth grade level as long as he’s got NFL potential.

The moral of the story is pretty simple — white people are benevolent do-gooders, and black people are helpless, scary animals.

Feel-good movie my ass. After watching that train wreck, my soul had never felt so empty.

Of course, everybody else loved it. Loved it.

Sitting in that theater — with that crowd — I was surrounded, completely engulfed by the shallow ignorance of the red state zeitgeist.

How horrifying.

Call me an elitist bitch, but I can’t wait to get back to LA.

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