I screamed and spit simultaneously. “Ugh! I can’t believe you just made me swallow. Fuck you, asshole!”

“Ha! I thought you liked it raw,” said the resealable bag of Kool Ranch Organic Kale Chips.

“I feel violated. You’re horrible. I’ll never get the taste of you out of my mouth.” The gluten-free vegan superfood pretended to ignore me, fully expecting that I would eventually take another bite, but there was no way I would ever make that mistake again.

“Whatever, bitch,” sneered the kale. “I’m too good for you anyway.”

“Get the fuck out of my face, you revolting pile of pretentious hipster cabbage!”

“You’ll miss me when I’m gone!”

“No. I will not miss you, kale chips. You’re just another disgusting health snack fad. In a few years, no one will even remember that you existed!”